I Have Abandoned You!

     Oh, blog, how I have abandoned you. I feel guilty because I have not wrapped up my IVF cycle here. I am going to give you the short version. Basically after the retrieval it went like this:

• Day after retrieval we found out that nothing fertilized.
• They performed a procedure called "Emergency ICSI or Rescue ICSI" that you can read about here. It is the same procedure explained, just a day later.
• Doctor told us not to get our hopes up that we would even make it to transfer...devastated
• Found out a day later that we had 3 embryos...phew
• 2 days later we transferred 2 embryos, one of which was a really good one
• Found out 2 weeks later that nothing took
• Done

     Needless to say, it has been a roller coaster. We have spent the last few weeks trying to figure out how to move on. I spent the first few days ok and in a fog, the next few crying and picking fights with Jim, and now I'm starting to move on. I have wrapped myself up in housework and weight loss. Also, I have tried my best to avoid most social situations in which a baby may or may not be mentioned or seen. It seems to be helping the wounds scab over. I'm thinking if I keep this up for a couple more weeks, I can enter the real world again without worry that I might break down crying in the Walmart parking lot.
     I don't think I'll keep this blog up. There's really no Infertility News to report anymore. We are giving up and moving on. Of course, we will never avoid, but I will no longer be charting, peeing on things, or living by Fertility Friend's calendar. Thank you all for reading And if anyone comes across this that has any questions, please feel free to ask. Good bye!

CD12 - Harvest Time!

     Today was an interesting day. My egg retrieval was originally scheduled for 9am. But, Jim and I forgot to administer the trigger shot and ended up doing it four hours late. So, my egg retrieval time got pushed back to 1:00pm.
     The bad thing was that I was not allowed to eat AT ALL until an hour after my ER time. After I woke up from the procedure they shoved goldfish in my face and the whole package was gone in a matter of seconds. I was like a rabid raccoon. Shameless.
     But let me back up a bit. When we arrived at the clinic I was instructed to give a urine sample. I hadn't had anything to drink since 6am and it was only a small glass of water. Needless to say the sample was small and looked a bit like maple syrup. Not good.
     We were then shown our way back to the "man's room" and I was instructed to disrobe from my waist down and put on a glorious gown, booties, and hair net. I was not thrilled that I sent my husband to do his work looking so sexy. I really didn't want him to have too easy of a time. I signed some papers and left Jim to peruse the clinic's erotic DVD selection. He told me later he was not impressed.
     I was lead to the way back of the clinic by the anesthesiologist, Doris, to the retrieval room. It was insanely bright. There were at least 10 more florescent lights than needed. In the center of the room was a chair donned with fancy stirrups and surrounded with all sorts of equipment. I was told to take a seat and answered some more questions. Next, my doctor and his nurse entered. Everyone had surgery scrubs, masks, booties, gloves, etc. Sitting there with my legs in the air I found myself feeling like I was in the middle of a Stanley Kubrick movie and something very bazaar was about to take place. It was so surreal.
     The doctor turned on Neil Diamond and the very gentle Doris got to work. She placed the IV with no effort and told me she was going to administer the medicine. There was some talk about the Doctor breaking out into song and I told them that was funny and then BAM! I was out.
     Next thing I knew, I was in a recliner in the recovery room. Someone could have removed my kidneys, a toe, and probably my soul and I would have had no idea. I was slowly coming out of it and the nurse was checking on me every so often. I kept asking how many eggs they got and where Jim was. The answer was always, "Seven," and,"He's not out yet."
    I was very happy about the seven but a little nervous about my husband. After I tore into my goldfish like a honey badger and drank my apple juice he finally came in. I could tell he was irritated. He told me that he was instructed to ring this door bell when he was finished and no one ever came. He told me he waited for almost an HOUR! What?! How long had I been out?! It felt like 15 minutes. Turns out, I was in recovery for over 45 minutes. I highly recommend whatever it was they gave me. Good times.
     After I was awake enough to stand and put my pants back on we left. I was told some spotting and light cramping were normal and to not eat anything fried or greasy until tomorrow.
     So Jim and I headed straight for Mr. Submarine and I got an amazing cold-cut sub with some fries. We then swung by Burrito Loco for some rice water. High-fives for not following instructions? Anybody?
     I have to say that I am so surprised at how good I feel. I am having almost no cramping and no nausea. I'm still a bit tired and feel like being lazy. But, it's nice having an excuse for my husband to wait on me, for a change.
     We will get the fertilization report tomorrow morning. I hope that at least 3 of the seven get fertilized and at least 2 of them make it to the transfer on Sunday. Anything more than that will be gravy. I am thrilled at how it's gone so far. I will update more tomorrow. Thanks for reading!
   

CD10 - Big News and a Miracle

     I got back from my RE appt and have to say that I have the most wonderful RE EVER!
After doing the internal U/S I was speaking with my Dr about all of the follies that showed up. Today there were 8 between 11-20mm. At least 6 of them were above 15 and a few were around 20. He said a lot of, "Hmmmm." He told me that I responded like an IVFer would have and he would be very happy with my numbers if I were an IVF patient about to trigger. He asked me what was keeping me from doing IVF and I promptly told him it was the money. I told him about our insurance cap and how we only have enough for this IUI cycle and possibly one more, but IVF would cause us to pay at least 5k out of pocket and we just didn't have that.
   
     Then, the most amazing thing happened. He offered to eat the costs above what our insurance will pay! He said that IVF will give us at least a 40% chance and we shouldn't waste all of these follies and he would be willing to work with us! I was in tears and just so amazed that he would do that for us.

     The most amazing thing? I am all synced up with their IVF cycle! No BCPs or Lupron to get on their schedule. They are scheduled for egg transfers for this Sunday, Mother's day, and I will make it! If I were even one day off, this wouldn't have worked.

     I just can't believe this is happening. Plus, today is the 8th and I have 8 follies brewing! I just feel like everything we've been through has been leading to this.

     If it doesn't work, at least we know that we did everything in our power to make it happen and we will have closure. If it works, we will be over the moon and have an amazing story to tell.

     This journey has taught me a lot. First and foremost, the generosity of the people around us are boundless. None of this would have happened if I didn't get meds donated to me from a fellow bumpie. And now this. God truly does work through people. I feel so blessed today.

     I will go in Thursday, CD12, for an egg retrieval. Then, if all goes well, I will be in on Sunday, Mother's Day, for an embryo transfer.

    So, IVF is a completely different animal than IUI. I want to go into it, but not right now. Instead, I will direct anyone who doesn't know about IVF to this:

IVF Video

     If any readers have any questions, please let me know. I know most of you know me personally, so feel free to email or call;) And, as always, thanks for reading! I'll update more on Thursday!

CD9 - Might Get Cancelled

     Crap. I had a ton of things growing in there. There were a total of 6 that were in the running. We had 2@17, 2@16, 1@15 and 1@14. The doctor told me not to take my Follistim dose tonight and go back for another follie check tomorrow. If that 14 has shown any growth, he will cancel our cycle:(

     I know there are a lot of ladies out there that would grill me for this, but I really don't think that HOM, high order multiples, would happen to us. With Jim's motility issues and my low numbers, I just don't think it could happen. Of course, anything is possible, and right now I'm battling with the notion that we might get pregnant with more than two babies.

     Would it be better to cancel the cycle? Or should we go for it and pray for the best? Jim and I will discuss more tomorrow when we get the results. I'll update more then. For now, just call me little miss hen!

CD6 - Follie Check #1

     Had a follie check today. I had 3 on my left and 2 on my right. They were all between 10-12mm. I also had 3 at 8mm. He's not counting those yet, though. I go back on Monday for another check. He is shooting for 4 or 5 mature follies. He said if I have 7 or more, the cycle will be canceled.
     Feeling pretty good about those numbers. I will be THRILLED if I get to trigger 4 follies. Grow, babies, grow!

*I forgot to update on Friday, this is what happened;)

CD3 - All Systems Go!

     I had my baseline ultrasound yesterday. My ovaries are looking all clear and I got the go-ahead to start my next injection cycle! My doctor doubled my dose. I am now at 150iu/day of Follistim. I go in on Friday, CD6, for a follie check. I, again, am hoping for 4 follies. However, I would like these follies to mature at the same rate and relatively slow.
     I will update more on Friday!

CD1 - The Break Is Over

     This break month has been quite a run. We did everything we weren't supposed to. Everything that we've been avoiding the past six months was thrown out the window. The only thing we stuck to was Jim's gluten free diet. This is something that I believe he will always have to stick to, unfortunately.
     This break was SO needed. I feel a renewed energy. I was feeling so bogged down by treatment and sticking to a very narrow way of living. I was avoiding the following:

-refined sugar
-wheat
-caffeine
-bananas
-pears
-dairy
-alcohol
-cold foods
-raw foods

     I'm sure there is more that I can't remember right now. But, this was all being done to follow a traditional Chinese medicine diet that is supposed to help balance me for pregnancy. Physically, I feel really good on the diet. But, as you can see, it doesn't leave much room. That can be exhausting.
     This month, I enjoyed everything on this list. Some, all in one day. Our last night of our break month was filled with a lot of dancing, a lot of bad food, and a whole lot of booze. Yikes, we are feeling it today.
     I am really excited, though! I feel like in 28 days we will have our answer and it feels pretty good. Of course, there's a bit of sadness. But, mostly excitement. Last night proved that our lives can be full of life, family, friends, and so much fun. I am so in love with my husband and we have the rest of our lives to laugh together. That means more than anything.
     Of course, I will always be sad for Emmy. But, it just means that we'll have to put extra effort into spending time with her and making sure she has plenty of friends and family surrounding her. So excited for what's next! I will go in for a monitoring appointment tomorrow and will update more then.

CD? - Reasessing the Future

     I spoke in an earlier post about envisioning my future and mourning the loss of it. I am realizing that instead of mourning what I don't have, I need to reassess some goals. Of course, not being able to have a baby is a sad thing. However, it doesn't need to ruin my life and define who I am.
     I recently picked up an issue of Country Living. I was looking for some ideas for this coming spring. What I found was an inspiration.

http://www.countryliving.com/homes/house-tours/farmhouse-decorating-ideas#slide-1

     This is an old farmhouse on 50 acres of land. It has countless outhouses full of beds for guests, dining tables, chickens, and on and on. They speak of tons of guests coming and hanging out. It is a destination for all of their family and friends. I imagine us waking up with a compound full of guests. Making a breakfast buffet for them all and lazing around with the various animals traipsing about. Ahhhh, how relaxing does that sound?!
     I am so excited about the future. Who knows what it really holds, but I know that our little family will be together and that's all that matters. Take a look at the article and read about their life. It seems pretty fullfilling to me.

CD4 - Cysty Galore and Healing

     I went to my baseline ultrasound yesterday. I was praying I didn't have a cyst so I could start my next treatment cycle right away. Turns out, I didn't have one cyst, but three! Shit! Am I disappointed? Yes. But not for the reason that one might think.
     I wanted to start my next cycle right away. Not because I am hankering to get knocked up. I've waited 18 months, one more isn't going to hurt. The real reason I was upset was that I am ready to move on with my life! As I said in my last post, I don't think my body likes treatment. And I'm ready to start healing and getting over infertility.
     I used to envision the future as Jim, me, and a ton of kids. Then, it was Jim, me, Emmy and a baby. Now, I can't see the baby. I'm  ready to be a family of three. My heart still aches a bit when I think of not being pregnant or nursing another baby. It still stings when I think of Emmy asking for a brother or sister when she's older. And I get a little knot in my throat thinking of Emmy as an adult without anyone when Jim and I are gone. But, I know that my heart will heal and while not ideal, Emmy will survive.
     I'm still pissed. I have done everything right. There are plenty of people in the world that don't want children, don't care about the children they have, or live an unhealthy, selfish life. Why can't those people deal with this? My first question when I meet God will be, "Why?"
     I'm hoping that eventually the anger and questioning goes away, as well. I hope that I don't get a longing and a twinge of resentment when anyone announces their pregnancy. This is getting better all the time.
     Right now, I've decided to think about the positives and take it day by day. So far, it's going well. I am actually looking forward to all of the things we'll be able to do as a family in the future. More vacations, more activities, more freedom for Jim and I. Of course, nothing will take the place of another member of the family. But, it's a start.
     For now, no bruised belly from the injections and lots of sex for Jim and I this month. I'll do one more round of injections and IUI next month. Don't know if I'll have a lot to update this month, but if I do, I'll be sure to write it up! Thanks for reading!
   

CD1 - Well Shit

     My lucky cycle 18 is in the books. Turns out, it wasn't so lucky. I should have known. I should have realized that it was just too perfect. But, I have always liked to live in a fantasy world. I have always idealized situations to the point where it is impossible for anything to live up to it. Of course, the way things always end up is much better than the idealized version, anyway.
     It started with a negative pregnancy test in the morning. It was 12dpo and at that point, there is an 87% chance that the test is accurate. I was heartbroken. I called Jim at work and cried for a minute. Then, I put on my big girl panties and put on a happy face for the kids that I was babysitting today. We had a great day! We played, laughed, and got dirty outside. The weather could not have been more perfect. Then, I started my period. "What the f*ck?!" I thought. I have NEVER had a 12 day luteal phase. I was so confused. I AM so confused. I had a 23 day cycle. Something about that just doesn't seem right. I really just don't think my body likes treatment. I doubt if anything would work for me.
     I have tried so hard to be so positive. At the beginning of every cycle I have convinced myself that that cycle was it. I have stayed so positive up until the end of the month when I got a negative pregnancy test. I am SO TIRED of being positive! It sucks! This shit just sucks.
     This failed cycle has really hit me hard. I don't have that sinking feeling in my stomach. It's more like I am mourning a loss, like a death. For two reasons:
                       1. I have always envisioned having a lot of kids. I wanted a whole mess of kids. This vision for my life has always been a constant. The location, the husband, the occupation has always changed but the gaggle of children I had running around my feet were always there. This dream is dying. Although I have been incredibly lucky to become a mother at all, I really dreamed of having more.
                       2. I feel a deep, deep sadness for Emmy. My sister is my best friend. It is a relationship like no other on the planet. My sister has known me since the day I was born. She knows where I come from and loves me no matter how much shit I pull. There is nothing like a sibling. I mourn this more than the first reason. I don't want her to grow up lonely. I don't want her to be lonely as an adult. I want her to experience the same awesome relationship that I have. I feel like depriving her of this is one of the worst things I could do.
     This cycle has brought both of these to the forefront. I have spent a lot of time today reflecting on the hard truth that no matter what I do, I probably will not succeed.
     We will do one more IUI and then be moving on. I am ready to have my life back. I hate that this awful thing has taken over our lives. Our self worth has been dependent upon a monthly test that one pees on. Ugh. I'm so done.
     After our last IUI is done, I will take a few months to enjoy the life that we have created. If I am still feeling that ache in my heart, I will most likely seek counseling to help me get over it. Of course, I don't know if it is possible to teach someone how to ignore millions of years of instincts, but fingers crossed.
     Until then, I plan on being bitter. I have taken every one's advice for too long. "Just stay positive and it will happen." Bullshit. I am going to be cynical and angry because that is how I feel. At the very least, I deserve to express myself. So, fuck you, infertility.
     I will update after my baseline appointment on Friday, CD3. Thanks for reading!

CD12 - Improvements and Easy on the Vagina!

     First of all, let's back up to our last IUI. I only produced 2 follies. Jim only produced 8 million swimmers(post wash). 0% that were fast forward moving and only 10% that were moving forward at all. That is less than a million that were making their way to my eggs. None prevailed.
     Since then, we have gone gluten free, caffeine free, alcohol free and added Vitamin D to Jim's regimen. He was diagnosed as Vitamin D deficient and probably gluten intolerant, as well. He's felt SO much better.
     On our way to the clinic today, we were pretty quiet. The thing that was on both of our minds? What will Jim's count be today? We were a bit worried and I was cracking terrible jokes, my nervous tick. We walked into the exam room and I practically opened up the folder myself...the nurse was walking too slow.
     He had a total count of 5 million. But, the kicker, he had 67% of those that were fast forward moving! YES! That is over 3 million of his quickest guys that are heading toward the finish line. I am over the moon.
      I am chalking the lower count up to the fact that we couldn't keep our hands off each other the other morning. It was a poor choice, to do it 27 hours before our IUI, but what can you do? We're married and we find each other irresistible. That is usually a good thing.
     So, I was given my paper sheet and told to take off my pants and assume the position. As I mentioned earlier this week, my doctor is out of town. He's the one that usually performs all of the procedures. The lame duck nurse that I complained about, also this week, was the one that was going to do the IUI today. She stuck the speculum inside and fiddled for a few moments. Then stated, "I think I have to get a longer speculum." YIKES! She got said speculum and inserted it and fiddled some more. She then asked if my doctor had ever mentioned if my cervix leans to one side. What? Seriously? Can we get someone in here who knows what the f*ck they're doing? To quote my mother, "Hells bells!"
     Then, she pops out from under the sheet and tells me she is going to get the IVF nurse because she's, "just not comfortable doing the procedure herself." She leaves the room and I am left with my feet in the stirrups and my husband at my head reading Forbes magazine. A minute or so later, the nurse returns with her more competent partner. We exchange pleasantries and she sits on the stool in front of my wide open legs. Then, nurse #1 joins her and they both stare at my nether region for a moment. Nurse #2 inserts the speculum and spreads it a little too wide for comfort. I know that this point that she means business.
     A few seconds later, when she injected the samle, I felt a pain on the inside. This pain is indescribable. Not extremely painful, just odd. The only other time I have felt it is when I had my HSG 6 months ago. I am taking this as a good sign that the little guys got deep inside. I am so glad nurse turd retrieved nurse awesome. I've had a little spotting since then. But with all the fiddling, it's to be expected.
     I am feeling very positive. This time, I can't find any reason why I shouldn't get pregnant. I had 4 follies, we had an improved count, and we love each other more than anything.
     I go back on the 30th, CD26, for a blood pregnancy test. I will update in the next two weeks if there are any symptoms to report. Thanks for reading!

CD10 - Lame Nurse

      I had another follie check/date with the dildo cam. My doc was off getting some kind of award and his better than him fill-in was not there, either. My nurse was left to do the ultrasound and she SUUUUUCKED! She had to measure my head follie 4 times and then it took her 5 minutes to find my left ovary. She told me that all but one follie has stopped growing. Of course, now I can't really trust what she is saying. Geesh.
     Bottom line: I have no idea what's really going on inside me. I feel very confident that we are still rocking this cycle. But, I am a control freak and like to know exactly what's going on. I trust my body and trust the fact that I am feeling full and crampy. That HAS to be a good sign that something fabulous is happening in my ovaries.
    Soooooo, I am triggering tomorrow at 4am. Yes, you read that right, 4am. Jim is going to stab me in the ass with a needle at 4am before he heads to work. The good thing is that I will be too tired to realize what's going on.
    I will have the actual IUI on Friday, CD12, at 10:30am. I am SO excited and hopeful. If Jim's counts are even a tiny bit better I will be confident that we will be bringing our baby home in 9 months.
     I will update on Friday, CD12, IUI day. Thanks for reading!

CD8 - Follie Check #1

     YES! Four follies! I couldn't be happier. Everything looked amazing. I have 4 follies ranging in sizes from 11m-16mm. They say anything over 15 is considered mature. But, anything between 18-22 is best.
     I was surprised to see that there were 3 on my right side and only 1 on my left. I know that lefty is a bit lazy, but I really didn't think righty would have so many.
     I was told that they grow between 1-2mm a day. I go back on Wednesday for another check. If that biggest one is at 20mm I will trigger that night and have the IUI on Friday morning, CD 12. If it is bigger than 20, I will trigger in the office on Wed morning and have the IUI on Thursday afternoon, CD11.
     I am up for either option, as long as at least 3 follies show up for the race. If I have 3 follies ranging in sizes between 16-20, I will be running and jumping in the streets...well, maybe just the parking lot. If I have 4, all hell will break loose.
     I feel so much better this cycle. No anxiety, no second thoughts, no what ifs. I feel like this is the best we've been and things are falling into place.
     Also, I had a substitute doctor today and she was kind enough to give me a complete tour of my reproductive system. She was very patient with me and explained EVERYTHING! I loved it. It was a lesson in biology and I was the specimen. I love doctors who don't assume that I know enough. I want to know and see EVERYTHING. She informed me that my lining has 3 layers (perfect) and is at an 8.5mm. They like to see it above an 8, so everything is great there, as well.
    I walked, no skipped, out of my appointment more positive than I ever have been. To quote The Simpsons, "Everything's coming up Milhouse!"
     More on Wednesday. Thanks for reading!

CD3 - It's Go Time

     Well, AF came three days ago. She has been pretty kind to me this time and I haven't had too many cramps or bouts of crying. I have to admit, I thought that this break cycle was successful. My period was a day late and I thought we got lucky again.
     I made my way to the RE at the crack of dawn for my date with the dildo cam. However unfortunate those dates are, I always look forward to them a bit. Today I found out that my cyst is gone and we are ready to start our 18th cycle, 2nd with Follistim/IUI.
     I am a sucker for numbers. 8 has always been my lucky number. As I got older, I saw 8s all over the place. To continue the trend, we decided to get married on 8.8.08. We also found out we were pregnant with Emmy on April 8th, which was also our 8 month anniversary. This month, we are on our 18th cycle. It is also the 3rd month of the year. Our address is 318. Sounds nuts, and definitely is, but I am taking this as a sign. Also, March is the month that I got pregnant with Emmy. I feel like we are primed and ready to get pregnant. I'm feeling good and Jim has never been healthier.
     I start Follistim tonight. I am so glad I did this already and don't have the anxiety that I had my first injection cycle. I go in on Monday for a follie check. I will update then. Yay!

CD27 - Almost time to start again!

     I have been MIA this month on my break cycle. I have spent a lot of this month reflecting on our journey thus far. Next cycle will be #18. I feel like it's gone by so fast, but so slow at the same time. When thinking about it in terms of just us and our little family, it has gone so fast. Emmy is getting so big and it seems like last month we brought her home from the hospital.
     But, when I think of it in terms of our entire circle of friends/family it really is a long time. This is mostly because everyone around us is getting pregnant and their babies are getting big and then they are getting pregnant again. We call that "getting lapped". It's not a fun thing to witness when you are going through infertility.
     Recently, I went to a baby shower of a very close family member. Let's call her C. I love C with all my heart. We have been thick as thieves since we were kids and have a very special relationship. We started TTC 7 months before C's wedding. She asked me to be her matron of honor and I, of course, accepted. I was honored to be asked, but was a bit concerned that I would be pregnant during her wedding. How does that work? A pregnant belly in a bridesmaid dress?
     Well, it got closer to her wedding and I still wasn't pregnant. I was in the middle of a Clomid cycle during her bachelorette party. I thought, "Being just barely pregnant at her wedding would be perfect." Well, as you can guess, that didn't happen, either. The only thing I had during her wedding was a fat ass from the 10 pounds I gained with the Clomid.
     The wedding came and went with a few drinks and a lot of dancing. I was ovulating that night and to my dismay my whole family knew it. I thought that was it. We were going to have a blast at my girl's wedding and get pregnant that night and we would have a great story to tell said future child.
     Well, it turns out, the person who got pregnant that weekend was C. Still a great story, but not for us. At that point I was almost sent over the edge. Not because I wish she weren't pregnant or even because I was jealous. But when you're going through this, when you see fertile people all around you, it reminds you how unfortunate your situation is.
      After a few months I came out of my cave of dispair and realized, with the help of my wise sister, that we all have our struggles. I often ask why God has done this to us. I think that it isn't fair and I'm being punished. But, my life has been relatively stress free. I was raised in a loving home, in a great neighborhood, I got to go to college, I married my best friend, we have a wonderful home, and an incredible kid. If we didn't have infertility, we wouldn't have any problems. C has had her share of struggles through her whole life and maybe this is God's way of saying, "You've been through enough, here's your blessing to make up for it." Maybe, right now, we are just paying our dues for a huge blessing that God is going to plop on our laps in the future.
     This past weekend, I attended C's baby shower with an empty uterus. She is due in 4 short weeks and I couldn't be happier for her. Except for the fact that she is still so skinny everywhere, but her belly. That is so not fair. I rubbed her belly all weekend hoping to get any and all pregnancy juju she had left and hoped to feel the baby move just once.
     The celebrations did make me a bit sad, though. Mostly because I can't wait to be pregnant again. I loved that feeling of always having that little companion with you. Every time Emmy moved inside me, I became a little more alive. It really is such a miracle and I hope that God blesses me with the experience again.
     Also, whenever I see a pregnant woman, I feel like I didn't cherish the time as much as I should have. When I was pregnant, I always thought for sure that I'd be pregnant again. I sometimes think I didn't appreciate it enough, complained too much, and was a bit too bitchy to my husband. I took the experience for granted. If I am lucky enough to get pregnant again, I will eat up every last second of it.
     There are new babies coming into our circle all the time. We are surrounded by some of the most fertile people in the midwest. I pray every day that God grants us our turn. And if he doesn't, that he grants me the ability to get over it and move on. I hope this desire that I'm still feeling, after 17 months, is him telling me there is hope.
     Next cycle should start in the next week and I can't wait to get started. Thanks for reading!

CD3 - 17th Cycle Canceled

     Well, I went in for my baseline U/S, ultrasound, and blood work yesterday. They found a 34 mm cyst on my right ovary. It's not terribly surprising. This is fairly common when going through treatments. I have always been susceptible to cysts, anyway. Then, when you throw in all of the hormones that I've been taking it can upset the ovaries a bit. I am slightly disappointed. But, as I've seen with the rest of this journey, everything happens for a reason.
     The cyst will resolve itself and we should be on track to start again next month. The way Jim and I are looking at it, it gives his body another month to heal and produce some good swimmers. The cyst will not inhibit our trying on our own, so this month will be an all natural cycle.
       Of course, the chances of conceiving on our own are pretty low. But, we did it once before so I'm not totally losing hope. This will be our 17th cycle and I'm praying that it's the last one, as well. There won't be much to update because we aren't doing treatments. But, I will be updating what little info I have. Thanks for reading!

CD1 - New Beginning

     Aunt Flo, AF, showed up at 4 am this morning. For the past 6 months, and for 10 years before I got pregnant, I have gotten my period 14 days after I ovulated. It comes between 4-5 am....every time. This time, I got it 13 days after I ovulated. This leads me to believe that I ovulated a day earlier than we thought. I had a sneaking suspicion that this was the case, but my RE said  I was wrong. I wish I would have pushed them a little harder, but I kept telling myself to trust in them and relax.
     The reason I believe I O'd early is because I was having cramps all day the day before the IUI. The day of the IUI I had ZERO cramps. There were some other symptoms that are a bit gross that I'm sure no one wants to hear about.
     I know that the first cycle of most IUI's is trial and error. So, I am going to take this cycle as a learning experience and I look forward to starting fresh this cycle.
     We all went out for breakfast this morning to celebrate the first CD1 that I'm going to have this year. I'm hoping they up my dose a bit so we can add a couple more follies to the mix. Fingers crossed!

CD23 - Nevermind

     A big part of infertility is the cost. You can prevent a pregnancy with a $6 box of condoms and a prayer. But, if you are having trouble conceiving, then you better be ready to sell a body part or a large amount of illegal drugs. Treatment for infertility is extremely expensive. There are a lot of people who don't even have medical coverage. If you do, you are a very lucky person to have infertility coverage. I don't understand the lack of coverage. After all, it is a medical condition that deserves to be treated.
     When you go see a fertility specialist, RE, you speak with 3 people. First is the doctor, of course. Next is the person you do most of your work with, the nurse. And third, is the financial consultant. The third component to any RE's office is one of the most important people you will ever deal with in your life. This person basically tells you the best or the worst news. Either you have coverage and this is what you can afford. Or, you don't and this is what you'll have to pay.
     We are lucky enough to have some coverage. We were awarded 12k lifetime infertility coverage. This would cover ONE IVF cycle. That is without testing or anything. After all of our testing, we had 9k left. After our first IUI cycle, we had $7,500. I thought that because we already had all of the meds, we could make it work with what we had left. After speaking with #3 yesterday, I have realized that this is not so.
     We would have to pay quite a bit out of pocket in order do get one cycle done. Then, we'd have to pay even more if we had to freeze any embryos.
     So, we are sticking with the IUI plan. I was pretty upset at first, but then I got a very obvious sign that everything will be ok. I am very into signs and I really believe that something has been guiding us along. Also, I really think that now that we have altered Jim's diet and got his Vitamin D deficiency under control that things will improve. Of course, I will update as much as I can. Thanks for reading.

p.s. This blog was mostly written on CD23. But, I got interrupted and wasn't able to complete it until a couple days later. Thanks!

CD21(still) - IVF

Me: I think we should do IVF
Jim: Really? Ok. If that's what you think is best.

     It was really that easy. We chatted a little bit about logistics after that but it was really that easy. It was a huge relief coming to this decision. I still don't know what I'll do if it doesn't work. But, at least I'll never look back and wonder.

     Of course, IVF is a completely different animal than IUI. So, I will update more on that soon. For now, I believe that good things are in the works for us.

CD21 - Having Doubts About IUI

     I have been back and forth and up and down about IVF since insemination day. Since day 1 of TTC #2 we said that IUI was as far as we would go. This was because we thought if it wasn't meant to be, it wasn't meant to be. Also, we had 10k left in our insurance cap which would only get us one round and it seemed too daunting to imagine. Honestly, I NEVER thought that we would even get to IUI, let alone IVF.
     So, now that I've had meds donated, I could get this past IUI and one IVF cycle in and still meet my insurance cap. I might even be able to get a FET in, if lucky enough to have frosties. I am SOOOOOOO confused!
     As it stands now, I could definitely get 2 or 3 more IUI's with injections. Of course, with our most recent insemination numbers so low, 8 mil with 10% motile, I'm not sure if that will ever really work.
     I look at how wonderful life is with just DD and me at home all day and I''m really at peace with the, "If it happens, it happens," kind of attitude.
    Then there are some days that I bawl my eyes out thinking about not having another baby or seeing Emmy with a sibling.
     I know that IVF would give us better odds. But, I don't think I could fathom the heartache if it didn't work. If we couldn't get KU doing the mother of all treatments, then all hope will be lost.
     Why can't I just be OK with having one?! I am so tired of feeling this way and I am also tired of altering my entire life for something that should be so easy.

IUI in a Nutshell

There are only so many words that can describe IUI. I found an amazing short video that explains it start to finish. I learned a couple of things, myself. Enjoy!

CD18 - Stomach Flu and Inconsiderate Ramblings

     I was sick as a dog on Friday, CD16. I even had to call Emmy's Grandma to have her come pick her up. I was wiped. I don't know where or how I picked it up, but I did. I HATE being sick. I think the worst thing about being sick when you are TTC is the, "Maybe it's morning sickness," questions. Let me tell you, NEVER ask a person going through infertility if they are pregnant or are having pregnancy symptoms. Most of the time they are NOT pregnant and you are rubbing it in.
     Now, most of these comments don't bother me much any more. But, this comment back in July would have sent me into tears. I have since come to realize that most people don't know any better and really do have the best of intentions. Of course, I don't think it will ever stop being annoying.
     It reminds me of another annoying interaction I recently had. My chiropractor, that I've been seeing since Emmy was a baby, quit. My acupuncturist also quit, but I still see her at her new practice. So, they hired another chiropractor who is also an acupuncturist. At our first visit he asked me about my history in chiro care and acupuncture. I mentioned that I see my acupuncturist for infertility and he asked about all that I've been through in that area. This is a pretty standard practice and I am used to having to tell various practitioners about our struggles.
    Well, after my adjustment, he mentions to me that his wife is pregnant. "That's great," I said, "Congrats! It is such a blessing." He then gave me a very shy, cheeky look and said, "It was a total accident. We weren't planning it at all!" He said it like he wanted sympathy, but it also had a bragging tone, as well. I told him that the more people I meet, the more I realize that God intended it to be that easy and we're just a special case.
     Like I said before, comments like this don't really effect me emotionally anymore. That doesn't make them any less annoying, though. How could someone be so thoughtless? That's like me saying, "I inherited a house from my deceased so and so. It was a total surprise," to a homeless beggar. Some things should just be kept to yourself.
     Of course, I wish I didn't have to hear things like this. It reminds me that most people can have a baby whenever they decide and it really shouldn't be this hard. Having a child whenever we choose should be one of our basic humanly rights. When that is denied you, it can be the heaviest weight to carry. Not only do you deal with your own personal struggles of not getting what you desired and always dreamed, but you also have to deal with the rest of the world, which is mostly fertile. The world seems to move on around you while you're stuck in this limbo full of questions and despair.
     Most of these feelings have been dealt with and I have come to the conclusion that life isn't always fair. But, thankfully, we have one beautiful little girl who I get to spend 95% of my time with. I believe that God, whoever he is, has chosen a select few of us to go through this for various reasons. Not knowing God personally, I don't think I will ever really know what those reasons might be. But, I will continue convincing myself that I am special and all of this has made me strong enough to do anything. And, it has made my marriage strong enough to handle the toughest of struggles. Not many would be strong enough to handle this. I carry this weight very proudly and personally. It has made me who I am and hopefully there is a map out there with my name on it with a very special destination.

CD13 - The Day After

     It's been a day since our IUI with poor sperm count/motility. After a night to reflect, Jim told me that he imagines his sperm is like Homer's, demonstrated below:

CD12 - IUI and MFI

     Today was the day. Insemination. Intrauterine Insemination(IUI), to be exact. Our day started with a date with a plastic cup. These dates are never the most exciting or sexy. And we NEVER really look forward to them. Jim took his sample to the RE's office first thing and when he got back I headed to the acupuncturist's office. I've been practicing Traditional Chinese Medicine for the past 5 months, or so. When I got back, Emmy's Grandma was already there and Jim and I headed back to the RE's office.
     We waited for about 10 minutes and then were called back to the room. I was instructed to undress from the waste down and wait for the doctor. I did as instructed as Jim played on my phone. He doesn't have a smart phone, so any chance he gets to fiddle on mine, he takes. When the doctor came in, he explained the process and went through the sperm washing results with us. When you are doing IUI, they take your sperm sample and "wash" it. This basically means that they concentrate it and take all the crap out that is dead or unnecessary. The washed results are much lower because most of it has been stripped.

 Jim has had a semen analysis(SA) done twice and they generally went like this:

Total count - Between 16-24 million
Total motility - 40%

    Those are the only 2 numbers I will go over as they are the most important. Motility is forward moving. That means that 60% of his "guys" generally swim in circles or go no where. The average count for a typical guy is between 20-100 million and average motility is 50%. We've always known that we were dealing with slight Male Factor Infertility(MFI) but our doctor always referred to these results as "borderline".

    Today's count, post wash, was as follows:

Total count - 8 million
Fast Forward moving - 0%
Total motility - 10%

     The doctor was not happy with this. He didn't use the word "borderline" anymore. He used the term "IVF" instead. Up until this point, he thought that we were perfect candidates for IUI. But, these numbers are too low. Post wash, they hope the total count will be at least 10 million with a total motility of at least 50%. He explained that he will keep doing IUI's as long as we want, but IVF would be our best option.
     We have always said that because we already have a child, IUI is the furthest we will go. IVF is much more involved and takes a lot more time, energy, and money.
     After explaining our odds, the doctor went ahead with the procedure. I put my legs up in those awful stirrups and laid back. I was chatting with the doctor and the nurse about things that I can't really recall now and before I knew it, we were done. I was instructed to lay there for 20 minutes and they left the room.
     Jim and I were both deep in thought most of the time trying to make sense of what he just told us. We were both a bit shocked that the results were so poor. Even his worse SA wasn't this bad. He's very hopeful, but I'm not really counting on this working.
     We have made a few dietary changes and recently discovered that Jim is vitamin D deficient, so I'm really hoping that once that is resolved, our problems will be over. I'll keep this updated, but our blood pregnancy test isn't until 2/6/12, which will be CD26.
     Thanks everyone for reading and please let me know if I've been too vague about anything and you have questions.

CD 10 - Trigger Time!

     This actually happened last night, but 10:15 pm might as well be 2 am for us. I had to wake Jim up from a dead sleep to stab me in the ass with a needle. After that, I didn't feel much like lingering on the couch with my rear in the air long enough to write a post.
     Moving on, I prepped the needle at 10:05. Here is a picture tutorial:

This is the complete package. I got a bottle of sterilized water,

a bottle of powdered medicine, a syringe with a mixing needle,

and a needle for injection.

First, I had to get 1cc of water out of the sterilized water bottle.

Then, I had to insert the water into the powdered medicine bottle.

This is the medicine all mixed up.

Then, I had to switch the needles on the syringe and pull all the medicine into the syringe.

 

The pic on the left is the needle all prepped. The pic on the right is the Follistim needle. You can see the obvious difference in length. The needle is so much longer so it can reach the muscle. The Follistim needle is to go into fat, so it is shorter.

   

     When  I got the needle all prepped, I had to wake my sleeping beauty and give him the instructions. All he knew was that it was going in my butt cheek. After telling him what to do, he immediately looked worried. I laid on the couch, ass up, and showed him where to grab and stab.

     Luckily, Jim was on the ball and reminded me that I needed an alcohol swab. Oh yeah, forgot that part. So, after I was disinfected, Jim grabbed a chunk of flesh and held the needle about 6 inches away and said, "I don't think I can do this." I gave him a pep talk and we started again. This happened about 5 times before he actually stuck me.

     I was actually surprised at how little it hurt. I barely felt the needle and Jim did a great job! When it was done, I got up to fix myself some tea. As I walked, it got a bit sore. It felt like a charlie horse and I soon learned that sitting was not an option. That's when I ditched the tea and opted for bed instead.

    Today, I'm feeling pretty good. The spot is a bit sore and I have a small bruise, but not that's not so bad. I can definitely feel something cooking in there. I have been having cramping on my right side for the past few days and it has actually intensified. I'm really looking forward to tomorrow.

     I have to say that I'm a bit worried I will ovulate early and miss the window. I'm hoping they'll do another ultrasound tomorrow to be sure. Thanks for reading!

     

CD8 - Mom Butt and Dreams

Went in this morning for another follie check. There's still only two on the right side. But, today they were measuring 17mm. The doc was very happy with their size and shape. He also noted that my lining looked, "awesome!" That was a huge relief. I've never been monitored mid-cycle before, so I never knew what my lining was like. I've been drinking POM juice because it's suppose to help puff up your lining. I guess I'll keep to it.

I was instructed to do the trigger tomorrow, CD9, at exactly 10:15 pm. Then the actual insemination will occur on Monday morning, CD12. The meds come to me pre-mixed, so I received detailed instructions on how to mix the meds. The nurse drew me a picture detailing where the shot needed to be injected:

No, those are not breasts. That, according to my nurse, is a buttocks, my buttocks. I understand what she was getting at, but it still gave me a chuckle. I reminded me of the dreaded "mom butt" that my sister and I accuse each other of having. I'd have to say that this would be the queen of all mom butts.

Nonetheless, it gives you an idea of where I will be sore on Monday morning. I will post more about the trigger tomorrow. Today, I'm going to enjoy the thought that I have two beautiful chances waiting in the wings to be fertilized.

I love this time in my cycle. It's the most optimistic time. There is no worry, concern, or tests. It is the time of the month where I dream of the future and all that could be. We are expecting quite a bit of snow today and I'm looking forward to snuggling in with Emmy and Jim and dreaming of her future brother or sister.

CD7 - 1st Follie Check

     Well, I had my first follicle check today. It showed that I had 2 13mm follicles on my right side and nothing on my left. I've always known that lefty was a bit sluggish, so I'm not terribly surprised. I was hoping for 3, but since I am starting out on a pretty low dose of Follistim, I guess this is good.
     I was told to continue at the same dose and return for another follie check on Friday, CD9. I am hoping those two little superstars keep growing at a steady pace and we can trigger* this weekend. I am thinking we'll be set for the IUI on Monday, CD12. Fingers crossed!


*A trigger is a shot of HCG that is given to induce ovulation.

CD3 - First Dose

     It is CD3 and I just took my first dose! I was so nervous while eating dinner at my parent's. They recommend you take it between 7-11 pm. I decided that I'd take it at 8 because I knew Emmy would be in bed. By 6:30 I was sweaty and a tad gassy(my telltale nervous sign).
     This had to be taken in my belly. It has to be shot into fat, so the belly is the obvious place. For how nervous I was, I dialed up the dose, pinched my fat, and stuck the needle in like I had been doing it all my life. I just hope my body responds like an old pro. I will do this every night, same dosage, for the next 4 days. On Wednesday, CD7, I will head into the RE to get my follicles checked. They will be checking to see how many follies the follistim is working on. Hopefully, it will be between 2-4. I will update more on Wednesday!

CD2 - Dildo Cam

     I say "dildo cam" very affectionately. What it really is is an ultra sound wand that is inserted into my hoo-ha to get a good view of my uterus and ovaries. I got a good look at both today and I was surprised to find that they are all there and functioning. There were no cysts, which is what we were hoping. If there were, the cycle would either be postponed or canceled.      After the ultrasound, I was brought into the nurses office for a tutorial of the meds that I'll be taking. It looks like I'll be taking 75iu of Follistim a day. I'll be injecting myself in the fatty tissue of the belly for at least 10 days. During this time, I will be monitored through U/S and B/W. What they are looking for is the follicle growth. A follicle is what the egg grows inside of. When it gets to a certain size, generally 17-22 mm, it is ready to open up and release an egg. Hence, OVULATION! YAY!
     However, when you are taking these meds, they don't just trust your body to release all of those eggs. They require you to take a "trigger" shot. This makes sure that all of the follicles will burst open. This shot must be taken in a muscle. This muscle is located in the ass. I assured them that my ass was way too "meaty" for such a shot, but they didn't believe me. I was then informed that this shot must be administered at home and by my husband. This worried me. Jim has never had the stomach for much and is so scared that his freakish strength will somehow injure me that he has never even enjoyed the occasional play-wrestle. I have a hard time invisioning him stabbing the needle in my "buttox like a dart."
     So, I will start the injections tomorrow. I will post more about that then!

And It Begins - CD1

     In the infertility world, every day is referred to as a "cycle day". Well, because I started my period, today is CD1. Three months from today, I will either be pregnant or celebrating the end of our journey by drinking as much coffee as I want. Doesn't seem so scandalous, but when you are TTC, coffee is a big no no. I might add a cigarette just because I can. Either way, I will be feeling very relieved that there is a conclusion.
     I do have to say that this is the most excited I have ever been to start my period. I have always been interested in medical "stuff" and I am just going to look at my body as a giant science experiment. My hypothesis? Well, I have no idea. I do know, the more relaxed I am the better results I will have.
     To stay relaxed, I will be doing acupuncture, massage, and avoiding situations that will add any kind of stress to my life. Mom, this means that I will not be helping you clean out any of your cabinets. I will also be watching as many funny movies as I can this month. Much to Jim's dismay, this will probably include a lot of terrible romantic comedies. Most of which will contain Meg Ryan.
     I already have an ultrasound and blood work appointment set up for tomorrow. The ultrasound is looking for any cysts that may have formed. The blood work is checking to make sure I'm not turning into a werewolf. I'll keep this updated often. Let the games begin!

It Has Arrived!!!!!

     It's like Christmas, all over again! My FedEx package finally got here today, after a "mechanical delay". I was so excited I met the FedEx guy on the porch. He said, "You've been waiting for this, haven't you?" I said, "Ummm, yeah!" I think I expected him to know what was in there and how important it was.
   So, here it is. Below are pics of the tonic that will, hopefully, bring us the final member of our family!

This is the box.

This is what was in the box. This box was well worth the $25 I paid for it.

Those ice packs were still frozen solid!

Here is a close up of all the contents. That case contains a "pen" that will help me inject the meds.

Each box contains a vial of medicine and needle cartridges.

This vial is worth about $1,200! For this tiny vile! So crazy!

     Thanks to my donor I have not been going completely crazy stressing about this. She has been really great about explaining things, keeping up with emails, and showing a genuine concern for me and my family. I don't know how I got so lucky! I do feel really good, though, now that everything is here. It still feels a bit surreal. It really makes you believe that everything happens for a reason and we really are all connected.

     More to come!

Shipping The Golden Ticket

     It has been a few days since I received the amazing news that meds would be donated to me. Although the high has not worn off, it was time to start researching ways to get the meds to my house! The donor lives in New Jersey. According to Google Maps, we are 800 miles and 14 hours away. They all need to stay refrigerated and while I'm glad it's not summer, there still needs to be some type of ice packing going on. I went with this company I found on Amazon that specializes in shipping supplies for perishable goods. They showed examples of lasagna and cookies being shipped cross country and arriving cold as can be. I don't know if they ever thought that someone would be using their product to be shipping $5,000 worth of fertility drugs 800 miles, but I figured if they can keep grandma's lasagna safe, my meds will be good.

     Now that I had the receptacle fashioned, I had to start looking into shipping costs. Never in my life did I think that overnight shipping would cost so much! It looks like it will cost about $150 just to ship this little package! As my mom would say, "Holy sugarbooger!" I guess it's worth it to save $5,000, though. So, I won't complain too much.

    So, it looks like the supplies will arrive at the donor's house early next week and the meds should arrive on time to start my next cycle. Thankfully, I started this process well ahead of time in preparation for any set backs. See, guys, I'm not a procrastinator with EVERYTHING:)