I went to my baseline ultrasound yesterday. I was praying I didn't have a cyst so I could start my next treatment cycle right away. Turns out, I didn't have one cyst, but three! Shit! Am I disappointed? Yes. But not for the reason that one might think.
I wanted to start my next cycle right away. Not because I am hankering to get knocked up. I've waited 18 months, one more isn't going to hurt. The real reason I was upset was that I am ready to move on with my life! As I said in my last post, I don't think my body likes treatment. And I'm ready to start healing and getting over infertility.
I used to envision the future as Jim, me, and a ton of kids. Then, it was Jim, me, Emmy and a baby. Now, I can't see the baby. I'm ready to be a family of three. My heart still aches a bit when I think of not being pregnant or nursing another baby. It still stings when I think of Emmy asking for a brother or sister when she's older. And I get a little knot in my throat thinking of Emmy as an adult without anyone when Jim and I are gone. But, I know that my heart will heal and while not ideal, Emmy will survive.
I'm still pissed. I have done everything right. There are plenty of people in the world that don't want children, don't care about the children they have, or live an unhealthy, selfish life. Why can't those people deal with this? My first question when I meet God will be, "Why?"
I'm hoping that eventually the anger and questioning goes away, as well. I hope that I don't get a longing and a twinge of resentment when anyone announces their pregnancy. This is getting better all the time.
Right now, I've decided to think about the positives and take it day by day. So far, it's going well. I am actually looking forward to all of the things we'll be able to do as a family in the future. More vacations, more activities, more freedom for Jim and I. Of course, nothing will take the place of another member of the family. But, it's a start.
For now, no bruised belly from the injections and lots of sex for Jim and I this month. I'll do one more round of injections and IUI next month. Don't know if I'll have a lot to update this month, but if I do, I'll be sure to write it up! Thanks for reading!
Saturday, March 31, 2012
Wednesday, March 28, 2012
CD1 - Well Shit
My lucky cycle 18 is in the books. Turns out, it wasn't so lucky. I should have known. I should have realized that it was just too perfect. But, I have always liked to live in a fantasy world. I have always idealized situations to the point where it is impossible for anything to live up to it. Of course, the way things always end up is much better than the idealized version, anyway.
It started with a negative pregnancy test in the morning. It was 12dpo and at that point, there is an 87% chance that the test is accurate. I was heartbroken. I called Jim at work and cried for a minute. Then, I put on my big girl panties and put on a happy face for the kids that I was babysitting today. We had a great day! We played, laughed, and got dirty outside. The weather could not have been more perfect. Then, I started my period. "What the f*ck?!" I thought. I have NEVER had a 12 day luteal phase. I was so confused. I AM so confused. I had a 23 day cycle. Something about that just doesn't seem right. I really just don't think my body likes treatment. I doubt if anything would work for me.
I have tried so hard to be so positive. At the beginning of every cycle I have convinced myself that that cycle was it. I have stayed so positive up until the end of the month when I got a negative pregnancy test. I am SO TIRED of being positive! It sucks! This shit just sucks.
This failed cycle has really hit me hard. I don't have that sinking feeling in my stomach. It's more like I am mourning a loss, like a death. For two reasons:
1. I have always envisioned having a lot of kids. I wanted a whole mess of kids. This vision for my life has always been a constant. The location, the husband, the occupation has always changed but the gaggle of children I had running around my feet were always there. This dream is dying. Although I have been incredibly lucky to become a mother at all, I really dreamed of having more.
2. I feel a deep, deep sadness for Emmy. My sister is my best friend. It is a relationship like no other on the planet. My sister has known me since the day I was born. She knows where I come from and loves me no matter how much shit I pull. There is nothing like a sibling. I mourn this more than the first reason. I don't want her to grow up lonely. I don't want her to be lonely as an adult. I want her to experience the same awesome relationship that I have. I feel like depriving her of this is one of the worst things I could do.
This cycle has brought both of these to the forefront. I have spent a lot of time today reflecting on the hard truth that no matter what I do, I probably will not succeed.
We will do one more IUI and then be moving on. I am ready to have my life back. I hate that this awful thing has taken over our lives. Our self worth has been dependent upon a monthly test that one pees on. Ugh. I'm so done.
After our last IUI is done, I will take a few months to enjoy the life that we have created. If I am still feeling that ache in my heart, I will most likely seek counseling to help me get over it. Of course, I don't know if it is possible to teach someone how to ignore millions of years of instincts, but fingers crossed.
Until then, I plan on being bitter. I have taken every one's advice for too long. "Just stay positive and it will happen." Bullshit. I am going to be cynical and angry because that is how I feel. At the very least, I deserve to express myself. So, fuck you, infertility.
I will update after my baseline appointment on Friday, CD3. Thanks for reading!
It started with a negative pregnancy test in the morning. It was 12dpo and at that point, there is an 87% chance that the test is accurate. I was heartbroken. I called Jim at work and cried for a minute. Then, I put on my big girl panties and put on a happy face for the kids that I was babysitting today. We had a great day! We played, laughed, and got dirty outside. The weather could not have been more perfect. Then, I started my period. "What the f*ck?!" I thought. I have NEVER had a 12 day luteal phase. I was so confused. I AM so confused. I had a 23 day cycle. Something about that just doesn't seem right. I really just don't think my body likes treatment. I doubt if anything would work for me.
I have tried so hard to be so positive. At the beginning of every cycle I have convinced myself that that cycle was it. I have stayed so positive up until the end of the month when I got a negative pregnancy test. I am SO TIRED of being positive! It sucks! This shit just sucks.
This failed cycle has really hit me hard. I don't have that sinking feeling in my stomach. It's more like I am mourning a loss, like a death. For two reasons:
1. I have always envisioned having a lot of kids. I wanted a whole mess of kids. This vision for my life has always been a constant. The location, the husband, the occupation has always changed but the gaggle of children I had running around my feet were always there. This dream is dying. Although I have been incredibly lucky to become a mother at all, I really dreamed of having more.
2. I feel a deep, deep sadness for Emmy. My sister is my best friend. It is a relationship like no other on the planet. My sister has known me since the day I was born. She knows where I come from and loves me no matter how much shit I pull. There is nothing like a sibling. I mourn this more than the first reason. I don't want her to grow up lonely. I don't want her to be lonely as an adult. I want her to experience the same awesome relationship that I have. I feel like depriving her of this is one of the worst things I could do.
This cycle has brought both of these to the forefront. I have spent a lot of time today reflecting on the hard truth that no matter what I do, I probably will not succeed.
We will do one more IUI and then be moving on. I am ready to have my life back. I hate that this awful thing has taken over our lives. Our self worth has been dependent upon a monthly test that one pees on. Ugh. I'm so done.
After our last IUI is done, I will take a few months to enjoy the life that we have created. If I am still feeling that ache in my heart, I will most likely seek counseling to help me get over it. Of course, I don't know if it is possible to teach someone how to ignore millions of years of instincts, but fingers crossed.
Until then, I plan on being bitter. I have taken every one's advice for too long. "Just stay positive and it will happen." Bullshit. I am going to be cynical and angry because that is how I feel. At the very least, I deserve to express myself. So, fuck you, infertility.
I will update after my baseline appointment on Friday, CD3. Thanks for reading!
Friday, March 16, 2012
CD12 - Improvements and Easy on the Vagina!
First of all, let's back up to our last IUI. I only produced 2 follies. Jim only produced 8 million swimmers(post wash). 0% that were fast forward moving and only 10% that were moving forward at all. That is less than a million that were making their way to my eggs. None prevailed.
Since then, we have gone gluten free, caffeine free, alcohol free and added Vitamin D to Jim's regimen. He was diagnosed as Vitamin D deficient and probably gluten intolerant, as well. He's felt SO much better.
On our way to the clinic today, we were pretty quiet. The thing that was on both of our minds? What will Jim's count be today? We were a bit worried and I was cracking terrible jokes, my nervous tick. We walked into the exam room and I practically opened up the folder myself...the nurse was walking too slow.
He had a total count of 5 million. But, the kicker, he had 67% of those that were fast forward moving! YES! That is over 3 million of his quickest guys that are heading toward the finish line. I am over the moon.
I am chalking the lower count up to the fact that we couldn't keep our hands off each other the other morning. It was a poor choice, to do it 27 hours before our IUI, but what can you do? We're married and we find each other irresistible. That is usually a good thing.
So, I was given my paper sheet and told to take off my pants and assume the position. As I mentioned earlier this week, my doctor is out of town. He's the one that usually performs all of the procedures. The lame duck nurse that I complained about, also this week, was the one that was going to do the IUI today. She stuck the speculum inside and fiddled for a few moments. Then stated, "I think I have to get a longer speculum." YIKES! She got said speculum and inserted it and fiddled some more. She then asked if my doctor had ever mentioned if my cervix leans to one side. What? Seriously? Can we get someone in here who knows what the f*ck they're doing? To quote my mother, "Hells bells!"
Then, she pops out from under the sheet and tells me she is going to get the IVF nurse because she's, "just not comfortable doing the procedure herself." She leaves the room and I am left with my feet in the stirrups and my husband at my head reading Forbes magazine. A minute or so later, the nurse returns with her more competent partner. We exchange pleasantries and she sits on the stool in front of my wide open legs. Then, nurse #1 joins her and they both stare at my nether region for a moment. Nurse #2 inserts the speculum and spreads it a little too wide for comfort. I know that this point that she means business.
A few seconds later, when she injected the samle, I felt a pain on the inside. This pain is indescribable. Not extremely painful, just odd. The only other time I have felt it is when I had my HSG 6 months ago. I am taking this as a good sign that the little guys got deep inside. I am so glad nurse turd retrieved nurse awesome. I've had a little spotting since then. But with all the fiddling, it's to be expected.
I am feeling very positive. This time, I can't find any reason why I shouldn't get pregnant. I had 4 follies, we had an improved count, and we love each other more than anything.
I go back on the 30th, CD26, for a blood pregnancy test. I will update in the next two weeks if there are any symptoms to report. Thanks for reading!
Since then, we have gone gluten free, caffeine free, alcohol free and added Vitamin D to Jim's regimen. He was diagnosed as Vitamin D deficient and probably gluten intolerant, as well. He's felt SO much better.
On our way to the clinic today, we were pretty quiet. The thing that was on both of our minds? What will Jim's count be today? We were a bit worried and I was cracking terrible jokes, my nervous tick. We walked into the exam room and I practically opened up the folder myself...the nurse was walking too slow.
He had a total count of 5 million. But, the kicker, he had 67% of those that were fast forward moving! YES! That is over 3 million of his quickest guys that are heading toward the finish line. I am over the moon.
I am chalking the lower count up to the fact that we couldn't keep our hands off each other the other morning. It was a poor choice, to do it 27 hours before our IUI, but what can you do? We're married and we find each other irresistible. That is usually a good thing.
So, I was given my paper sheet and told to take off my pants and assume the position. As I mentioned earlier this week, my doctor is out of town. He's the one that usually performs all of the procedures. The lame duck nurse that I complained about, also this week, was the one that was going to do the IUI today. She stuck the speculum inside and fiddled for a few moments. Then stated, "I think I have to get a longer speculum." YIKES! She got said speculum and inserted it and fiddled some more. She then asked if my doctor had ever mentioned if my cervix leans to one side. What? Seriously? Can we get someone in here who knows what the f*ck they're doing? To quote my mother, "Hells bells!"
Then, she pops out from under the sheet and tells me she is going to get the IVF nurse because she's, "just not comfortable doing the procedure herself." She leaves the room and I am left with my feet in the stirrups and my husband at my head reading Forbes magazine. A minute or so later, the nurse returns with her more competent partner. We exchange pleasantries and she sits on the stool in front of my wide open legs. Then, nurse #1 joins her and they both stare at my nether region for a moment. Nurse #2 inserts the speculum and spreads it a little too wide for comfort. I know that this point that she means business.
A few seconds later, when she injected the samle, I felt a pain on the inside. This pain is indescribable. Not extremely painful, just odd. The only other time I have felt it is when I had my HSG 6 months ago. I am taking this as a good sign that the little guys got deep inside. I am so glad nurse turd retrieved nurse awesome. I've had a little spotting since then. But with all the fiddling, it's to be expected.
I am feeling very positive. This time, I can't find any reason why I shouldn't get pregnant. I had 4 follies, we had an improved count, and we love each other more than anything.
I go back on the 30th, CD26, for a blood pregnancy test. I will update in the next two weeks if there are any symptoms to report. Thanks for reading!
Wednesday, March 14, 2012
CD10 - Lame Nurse
I had another follie check/date with the dildo cam. My doc was off getting some kind of award and his better than him fill-in was not there, either. My nurse was left to do the ultrasound and she SUUUUUCKED! She had to measure my head follie 4 times and then it took her 5 minutes to find my left ovary. She told me that all but one follie has stopped growing. Of course, now I can't really trust what she is saying. Geesh.
Bottom line: I have no idea what's really going on inside me. I feel very confident that we are still rocking this cycle. But, I am a control freak and like to know exactly what's going on. I trust my body and trust the fact that I am feeling full and crampy. That HAS to be a good sign that something fabulous is happening in my ovaries.
Soooooo, I am triggering tomorrow at 4am. Yes, you read that right, 4am. Jim is going to stab me in the ass with a needle at 4am before he heads to work. The good thing is that I will be too tired to realize what's going on.
I will have the actual IUI on Friday, CD12, at 10:30am. I am SO excited and hopeful. If Jim's counts are even a tiny bit better I will be confident that we will be bringing our baby home in 9 months.
I will update on Friday, CD12, IUI day. Thanks for reading!
Bottom line: I have no idea what's really going on inside me. I feel very confident that we are still rocking this cycle. But, I am a control freak and like to know exactly what's going on. I trust my body and trust the fact that I am feeling full and crampy. That HAS to be a good sign that something fabulous is happening in my ovaries.
Soooooo, I am triggering tomorrow at 4am. Yes, you read that right, 4am. Jim is going to stab me in the ass with a needle at 4am before he heads to work. The good thing is that I will be too tired to realize what's going on.
I will have the actual IUI on Friday, CD12, at 10:30am. I am SO excited and hopeful. If Jim's counts are even a tiny bit better I will be confident that we will be bringing our baby home in 9 months.
I will update on Friday, CD12, IUI day. Thanks for reading!
Monday, March 12, 2012
CD8 - Follie Check #1
YES! Four follies! I couldn't be happier. Everything looked amazing. I have 4 follies ranging in sizes from 11m-16mm. They say anything over 15 is considered mature. But, anything between 18-22 is best.
I was surprised to see that there were 3 on my right side and only 1 on my left. I know that lefty is a bit lazy, but I really didn't think righty would have so many.
I was told that they grow between 1-2mm a day. I go back on Wednesday for another check. If that biggest one is at 20mm I will trigger that night and have the IUI on Friday morning, CD 12. If it is bigger than 20, I will trigger in the office on Wed morning and have the IUI on Thursday afternoon, CD11.
I am up for either option, as long as at least 3 follies show up for the race. If I have 3 follies ranging in sizes between 16-20, I will be running and jumping in the streets...well, maybe just the parking lot. If I have 4, all hell will break loose.
I feel so much better this cycle. No anxiety, no second thoughts, no what ifs. I feel like this is the best we've been and things are falling into place.
Also, I had a substitute doctor today and she was kind enough to give me a complete tour of my reproductive system. She was very patient with me and explained EVERYTHING! I loved it. It was a lesson in biology and I was the specimen. I love doctors who don't assume that I know enough. I want to know and see EVERYTHING. She informed me that my lining has 3 layers (perfect) and is at an 8.5mm. They like to see it above an 8, so everything is great there, as well.
I walked, no skipped, out of my appointment more positive than I ever have been. To quote The Simpsons, "Everything's coming up Milhouse!"
More on Wednesday. Thanks for reading!
I was surprised to see that there were 3 on my right side and only 1 on my left. I know that lefty is a bit lazy, but I really didn't think righty would have so many.
I was told that they grow between 1-2mm a day. I go back on Wednesday for another check. If that biggest one is at 20mm I will trigger that night and have the IUI on Friday morning, CD 12. If it is bigger than 20, I will trigger in the office on Wed morning and have the IUI on Thursday afternoon, CD11.
I am up for either option, as long as at least 3 follies show up for the race. If I have 3 follies ranging in sizes between 16-20, I will be running and jumping in the streets...well, maybe just the parking lot. If I have 4, all hell will break loose.
I feel so much better this cycle. No anxiety, no second thoughts, no what ifs. I feel like this is the best we've been and things are falling into place.
Also, I had a substitute doctor today and she was kind enough to give me a complete tour of my reproductive system. She was very patient with me and explained EVERYTHING! I loved it. It was a lesson in biology and I was the specimen. I love doctors who don't assume that I know enough. I want to know and see EVERYTHING. She informed me that my lining has 3 layers (perfect) and is at an 8.5mm. They like to see it above an 8, so everything is great there, as well.
I walked, no skipped, out of my appointment more positive than I ever have been. To quote The Simpsons, "Everything's coming up Milhouse!"
More on Wednesday. Thanks for reading!
Wednesday, March 7, 2012
CD3 - It's Go Time
Well, AF came three days ago. She has been pretty kind to me this time and I haven't had too many cramps or bouts of crying. I have to admit, I thought that this break cycle was successful. My period was a day late and I thought we got lucky again.
I made my way to the RE at the crack of dawn for my date with the dildo cam. However unfortunate those dates are, I always look forward to them a bit. Today I found out that my cyst is gone and we are ready to start our 18th cycle, 2nd with Follistim/IUI.
I am a sucker for numbers. 8 has always been my lucky number. As I got older, I saw 8s all over the place. To continue the trend, we decided to get married on 8.8.08. We also found out we were pregnant with Emmy on April 8th, which was also our 8 month anniversary. This month, we are on our 18th cycle. It is also the 3rd month of the year. Our address is 318. Sounds nuts, and definitely is, but I am taking this as a sign. Also, March is the month that I got pregnant with Emmy. I feel like we are primed and ready to get pregnant. I'm feeling good and Jim has never been healthier.
I start Follistim tonight. I am so glad I did this already and don't have the anxiety that I had my first injection cycle. I go in on Monday for a follie check. I will update then. Yay!
I made my way to the RE at the crack of dawn for my date with the dildo cam. However unfortunate those dates are, I always look forward to them a bit. Today I found out that my cyst is gone and we are ready to start our 18th cycle, 2nd with Follistim/IUI.
I am a sucker for numbers. 8 has always been my lucky number. As I got older, I saw 8s all over the place. To continue the trend, we decided to get married on 8.8.08. We also found out we were pregnant with Emmy on April 8th, which was also our 8 month anniversary. This month, we are on our 18th cycle. It is also the 3rd month of the year. Our address is 318. Sounds nuts, and definitely is, but I am taking this as a sign. Also, March is the month that I got pregnant with Emmy. I feel like we are primed and ready to get pregnant. I'm feeling good and Jim has never been healthier.
I start Follistim tonight. I am so glad I did this already and don't have the anxiety that I had my first injection cycle. I go in on Monday for a follie check. I will update then. Yay!
Friday, March 2, 2012
CD27 - Almost time to start again!
I have been MIA this month on my break cycle. I have spent a lot of this month reflecting on our journey thus far. Next cycle will be #18. I feel like it's gone by so fast, but so slow at the same time. When thinking about it in terms of just us and our little family, it has gone so fast. Emmy is getting so big and it seems like last month we brought her home from the hospital.
But, when I think of it in terms of our entire circle of friends/family it really is a long time. This is mostly because everyone around us is getting pregnant and their babies are getting big and then they are getting pregnant again. We call that "getting lapped". It's not a fun thing to witness when you are going through infertility.
Recently, I went to a baby shower of a very close family member. Let's call her C. I love C with all my heart. We have been thick as thieves since we were kids and have a very special relationship. We started TTC 7 months before C's wedding. She asked me to be her matron of honor and I, of course, accepted. I was honored to be asked, but was a bit concerned that I would be pregnant during her wedding. How does that work? A pregnant belly in a bridesmaid dress?
Well, it got closer to her wedding and I still wasn't pregnant. I was in the middle of a Clomid cycle during her bachelorette party. I thought, "Being just barely pregnant at her wedding would be perfect." Well, as you can guess, that didn't happen, either. The only thing I had during her wedding was a fat ass from the 10 pounds I gained with the Clomid.
The wedding came and went with a few drinks and a lot of dancing. I was ovulating that night and to my dismay my whole family knew it. I thought that was it. We were going to have a blast at my girl's wedding and get pregnant that night and we would have a great story to tell said future child.
Well, it turns out, the person who got pregnant that weekend was C. Still a great story, but not for us. At that point I was almost sent over the edge. Not because I wish she weren't pregnant or even because I was jealous. But when you're going through this, when you see fertile people all around you, it reminds you how unfortunate your situation is.
After a few months I came out of my cave of dispair and realized, with the help of my wise sister, that we all have our struggles. I often ask why God has done this to us. I think that it isn't fair and I'm being punished. But, my life has been relatively stress free. I was raised in a loving home, in a great neighborhood, I got to go to college, I married my best friend, we have a wonderful home, and an incredible kid. If we didn't have infertility, we wouldn't have any problems. C has had her share of struggles through her whole life and maybe this is God's way of saying, "You've been through enough, here's your blessing to make up for it." Maybe, right now, we are just paying our dues for a huge blessing that God is going to plop on our laps in the future.
This past weekend, I attended C's baby shower with an empty uterus. She is due in 4 short weeks and I couldn't be happier for her. Except for the fact that she is still so skinny everywhere, but her belly. That is so not fair. I rubbed her belly all weekend hoping to get any and all pregnancy juju she had left and hoped to feel the baby move just once.
The celebrations did make me a bit sad, though. Mostly because I can't wait to be pregnant again. I loved that feeling of always having that little companion with you. Every time Emmy moved inside me, I became a little more alive. It really is such a miracle and I hope that God blesses me with the experience again.
Also, whenever I see a pregnant woman, I feel like I didn't cherish the time as much as I should have. When I was pregnant, I always thought for sure that I'd be pregnant again. I sometimes think I didn't appreciate it enough, complained too much, and was a bit too bitchy to my husband. I took the experience for granted. If I am lucky enough to get pregnant again, I will eat up every last second of it.
There are new babies coming into our circle all the time. We are surrounded by some of the most fertile people in the midwest. I pray every day that God grants us our turn. And if he doesn't, that he grants me the ability to get over it and move on. I hope this desire that I'm still feeling, after 17 months, is him telling me there is hope.
Next cycle should start in the next week and I can't wait to get started. Thanks for reading!
But, when I think of it in terms of our entire circle of friends/family it really is a long time. This is mostly because everyone around us is getting pregnant and their babies are getting big and then they are getting pregnant again. We call that "getting lapped". It's not a fun thing to witness when you are going through infertility.
Recently, I went to a baby shower of a very close family member. Let's call her C. I love C with all my heart. We have been thick as thieves since we were kids and have a very special relationship. We started TTC 7 months before C's wedding. She asked me to be her matron of honor and I, of course, accepted. I was honored to be asked, but was a bit concerned that I would be pregnant during her wedding. How does that work? A pregnant belly in a bridesmaid dress?
Well, it got closer to her wedding and I still wasn't pregnant. I was in the middle of a Clomid cycle during her bachelorette party. I thought, "Being just barely pregnant at her wedding would be perfect." Well, as you can guess, that didn't happen, either. The only thing I had during her wedding was a fat ass from the 10 pounds I gained with the Clomid.
The wedding came and went with a few drinks and a lot of dancing. I was ovulating that night and to my dismay my whole family knew it. I thought that was it. We were going to have a blast at my girl's wedding and get pregnant that night and we would have a great story to tell said future child.
Well, it turns out, the person who got pregnant that weekend was C. Still a great story, but not for us. At that point I was almost sent over the edge. Not because I wish she weren't pregnant or even because I was jealous. But when you're going through this, when you see fertile people all around you, it reminds you how unfortunate your situation is.
After a few months I came out of my cave of dispair and realized, with the help of my wise sister, that we all have our struggles. I often ask why God has done this to us. I think that it isn't fair and I'm being punished. But, my life has been relatively stress free. I was raised in a loving home, in a great neighborhood, I got to go to college, I married my best friend, we have a wonderful home, and an incredible kid. If we didn't have infertility, we wouldn't have any problems. C has had her share of struggles through her whole life and maybe this is God's way of saying, "You've been through enough, here's your blessing to make up for it." Maybe, right now, we are just paying our dues for a huge blessing that God is going to plop on our laps in the future.
This past weekend, I attended C's baby shower with an empty uterus. She is due in 4 short weeks and I couldn't be happier for her. Except for the fact that she is still so skinny everywhere, but her belly. That is so not fair. I rubbed her belly all weekend hoping to get any and all pregnancy juju she had left and hoped to feel the baby move just once.
The celebrations did make me a bit sad, though. Mostly because I can't wait to be pregnant again. I loved that feeling of always having that little companion with you. Every time Emmy moved inside me, I became a little more alive. It really is such a miracle and I hope that God blesses me with the experience again.
Also, whenever I see a pregnant woman, I feel like I didn't cherish the time as much as I should have. When I was pregnant, I always thought for sure that I'd be pregnant again. I sometimes think I didn't appreciate it enough, complained too much, and was a bit too bitchy to my husband. I took the experience for granted. If I am lucky enough to get pregnant again, I will eat up every last second of it.
There are new babies coming into our circle all the time. We are surrounded by some of the most fertile people in the midwest. I pray every day that God grants us our turn. And if he doesn't, that he grants me the ability to get over it and move on. I hope this desire that I'm still feeling, after 17 months, is him telling me there is hope.
Next cycle should start in the next week and I can't wait to get started. Thanks for reading!
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)