As of my last post we were headed toward our IVF fundraising goal (very slowly I might add). So, imagine how excited I was to get a positive pregnancy test about a month ago. It was a day I will remember forever. Made even more satisfying because we had found out the day before that Jim had a vericocele (read about it here). The urologist we visited said surgery to correct it could improve his counts by 65-70%. So, we scheduled the surgery for Monday (our consultation was Thursday).
So when I woke up the next morning, a day late, I took a test and for the second time in my life it was positive. We celebrated, told our families in a creative way, and for the first time since TTC our life was absolutely perfect. I will treasure that time forever.
Our perfect life came crashing down a few days ago when I went in for an ultrasound at 8 weeks 3 days along. That's when I found the baby had stopped growing and no longer had a heartbeat.
A couple of days have passed and I am doing better than I expected. I've cried some, eaten a lot of junk food, and hugged my family more than I ever have. I always thought that if this happened to me that I would literally die. That I would not be able to pick myself up from the floor out of despair. It turns out that I am stronger than I thought.
Instead of dying or completely feeling ruined, I actually am already starting to feeling ok. This may be because I am a Mom and know that I can't let myself go there. Maybe I am protecting my daughter from such things. Or maybe it's not as bad as I imagined. Either way, we're doing ok.
I have not yet "passed" the baby. This is a bit disheartening. But, the RE who was treating me is going on vacation and can't get me in for a D&C (read about it here). I initially wanted to wait for my body to take care of things, but now that a couple of days have passed, and after doing some reading, I think I want to opt for the D&C, if I can.
I have an appointment in a few days with my OB to discuss my options. My hope is that she can take care of things before my slightly negligent RE can get back from his third vacation since I found out I was pregnant. I'll update more then. But today, I have errands to run, places to take my daughter, and some pie to eat.
Wednesday, April 24, 2013
Monday, February 11, 2013
Raising Money
I am starting to raise money for this upcoming cycle. When I say starting, I mean listing about 10 things on Craigslist for sale. I have big plans to set up my own eBay store and start selling treasures that I've found at thrift stores and flea markets.
I sold my first item today, so I am up to $30! Woohoo! Hopefully, this first sale gets the ball rolling and I can get up to my needed $4,000.
I will be adding a ticker to this site that adds up the amount of money I have raised. I am thrilled at the prospect of selling what I find. I seem to have a knack for finding designer clothes at thrift stores. So, if you're interested in following my journey to becoming an expert seller I have started a blog about that, as well. It's also about my money saving tips, home renovations, and items that I create.The link is:
http://luluattic.blogspot.com/
This is a completely new journey for me. I feel so relieved and at peace with our decision to continue with treatment. This time it will be completely up to us to make it happen. It's going to be a difficult journey, which will make the end result all that much sweeter.
Stay tuned!
I sold my first item today, so I am up to $30! Woohoo! Hopefully, this first sale gets the ball rolling and I can get up to my needed $4,000.
I will be adding a ticker to this site that adds up the amount of money I have raised. I am thrilled at the prospect of selling what I find. I seem to have a knack for finding designer clothes at thrift stores. So, if you're interested in following my journey to becoming an expert seller I have started a blog about that, as well. It's also about my money saving tips, home renovations, and items that I create.The link is:
http://luluattic.blogspot.com/
This is a completely new journey for me. I feel so relieved and at peace with our decision to continue with treatment. This time it will be completely up to us to make it happen. It's going to be a difficult journey, which will make the end result all that much sweeter.
Stay tuned!
Friday, February 8, 2013
Impossible to Possible
I have been pondering the reason for my change of heart the past few days. Before a month ago, I was dead set on the fact that we were done and I had to accept that we were not going to be having any more children. That mindset has changed so quickly and dramatically and I wasn't sure why.
Then, I told my parents that we were going to do another IVF. Their reaction was less than enthusiastic. They acted as if I was telling them my plans for a full body tattoo. They basically told me it's my decision, but they think it's a bad idea.
It hurt at first. I expected them to jump up and down and kiss my feet at the prospect of getting another grandchild. I want them to cheer for us and not only support us, but send their encouragement and complete and udder excitement. But, they are scared of another failure and they don't want to see me hurt.
The more I thought about it, the more the conversations with each parent, I made them separately, was all too familiar. I remember, growing up and in my young adulthood, bursting at the seams to tell my parents my next bit of big news only to be let down by their reaction. Moving to Chicago, getting into Design School, wanting to buy a house with my now husband, etc, etc. Each time, before I told them, I created this elaborate scene in my head about what their reaction would be like. In my vision my parents would practically throw a party and walk around the next week with pom poms, shouting "Rah Rah You're the Best!" That, of course, never happened. Their reaction was always lukewarm, at the very best. Most of the time it ended in tears.
Each time, I was hurt for a moment. Then, I'd get on my horse and shout, "I'll show them!" And I did. Every single time. Of course, they have always come around eventually and admit that I was right...mostly;)
Now, back to my point. The thing that I've realized, no remembered, about myself the past few days is this. I am tenacious. I don't accept my fate unless it's exactly what I want. I make things happen for myself. My parents call this stubborn, I call it tenacious. I am not the smartest, most talented person. But, I have so much. And it's all by design. I have made my life what it is. I have never been one to just let things happen to myself. I've ALWAYS had to take what I've wanted.
The last two years I have been so shrouded in sadness that I forgot my best quality. Well, not anymore. Sure, we have lazy sperm and sub par eggs. But if this impending little one is anything like their mother, and I'm sure they are, they'll find a way to us if we keep trying for them.
“Most of the things worth doing in the world had been declared impossible before they were done.”
― Louis Dembitz Brandeis
Then, I told my parents that we were going to do another IVF. Their reaction was less than enthusiastic. They acted as if I was telling them my plans for a full body tattoo. They basically told me it's my decision, but they think it's a bad idea.
It hurt at first. I expected them to jump up and down and kiss my feet at the prospect of getting another grandchild. I want them to cheer for us and not only support us, but send their encouragement and complete and udder excitement. But, they are scared of another failure and they don't want to see me hurt.
The more I thought about it, the more the conversations with each parent, I made them separately, was all too familiar. I remember, growing up and in my young adulthood, bursting at the seams to tell my parents my next bit of big news only to be let down by their reaction. Moving to Chicago, getting into Design School, wanting to buy a house with my now husband, etc, etc. Each time, before I told them, I created this elaborate scene in my head about what their reaction would be like. In my vision my parents would practically throw a party and walk around the next week with pom poms, shouting "Rah Rah You're the Best!" That, of course, never happened. Their reaction was always lukewarm, at the very best. Most of the time it ended in tears.
Each time, I was hurt for a moment. Then, I'd get on my horse and shout, "I'll show them!" And I did. Every single time. Of course, they have always come around eventually and admit that I was right...mostly;)
Now, back to my point. The thing that I've realized, no remembered, about myself the past few days is this. I am tenacious. I don't accept my fate unless it's exactly what I want. I make things happen for myself. My parents call this stubborn, I call it tenacious. I am not the smartest, most talented person. But, I have so much. And it's all by design. I have made my life what it is. I have never been one to just let things happen to myself. I've ALWAYS had to take what I've wanted.
The last two years I have been so shrouded in sadness that I forgot my best quality. Well, not anymore. Sure, we have lazy sperm and sub par eggs. But if this impending little one is anything like their mother, and I'm sure they are, they'll find a way to us if we keep trying for them.
“Most of the things worth doing in the world had been declared impossible before they were done.”
― Louis Dembitz Brandeis
Monday, January 28, 2013
Maybe?
Ok. So I know I said we were done. But, 20 pounds lost, 5 months of Prozac, and an increasingly awesome daughter has given me the desire to keep going. It's been 7 months since our failed IVF cycle. The plan was to move on and accept that I won't have another child. That more intervention was not only too stressful to mention, but too expensive, as well.
I have come to realize that no matter what, this is in my control. I can try as many times as I want. It's just money and no one can put a price on everything that having another child brings. I WILL have another baby.
We have been discussing our options. We are looking into several avenues. All of them include IVF with ICSI. And all of them will include us paying out of pocket for everything. I have one 900iu vial of Follistim left that will save us about $1,000. The options are as follows:
#1 Go back to our original clinic and beg for a discount. The timing of the cycle/s totally depends on the discount they give us. This is really what I'd prefer, as I love my RE and the nurses are the best.
#2 An IVF vacation. Other countries can offer IVF at a deeply discounted price. Most of them have the same, or better success rates as clinics in the U.S. Plus, most of them offer discount programs for subsequent cycles if your first doesn't succeed.
Another thing we are considering is funding. My parents have offered a generous donation to assist, but we will be responsible for most of it. We can either do the IVF in the near future and take out a medical loan or we can wait until the end of the year and work our asses off to save some money, in the meantime.
The problem with waiting is that time is ticking on my end. I'm only 29, but all of my numbers have been fading fast. So, just a few months could change a lot.
I have started calling around today and have some good leads. I have yet to talk to my original clinic and would like to speak with them before I proceed with anything.
I will update when I speak with them!
I have come to realize that no matter what, this is in my control. I can try as many times as I want. It's just money and no one can put a price on everything that having another child brings. I WILL have another baby.
We have been discussing our options. We are looking into several avenues. All of them include IVF with ICSI. And all of them will include us paying out of pocket for everything. I have one 900iu vial of Follistim left that will save us about $1,000. The options are as follows:
#1 Go back to our original clinic and beg for a discount. The timing of the cycle/s totally depends on the discount they give us. This is really what I'd prefer, as I love my RE and the nurses are the best.
#2 An IVF vacation. Other countries can offer IVF at a deeply discounted price. Most of them have the same, or better success rates as clinics in the U.S. Plus, most of them offer discount programs for subsequent cycles if your first doesn't succeed.
Another thing we are considering is funding. My parents have offered a generous donation to assist, but we will be responsible for most of it. We can either do the IVF in the near future and take out a medical loan or we can wait until the end of the year and work our asses off to save some money, in the meantime.
The problem with waiting is that time is ticking on my end. I'm only 29, but all of my numbers have been fading fast. So, just a few months could change a lot.
I have started calling around today and have some good leads. I have yet to talk to my original clinic and would like to speak with them before I proceed with anything.
I will update when I speak with them!
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