Impossible to Possible

I have been pondering the reason for my change of heart the past few days. Before a month ago, I was dead set on the fact that we were done and I had to accept that we were not going to be having any more children. That mindset has changed so quickly and dramatically and I wasn't sure why.

Then, I told my parents that we were going to do another IVF. Their reaction was less than enthusiastic. They acted as if  I was telling them my plans for a full body tattoo. They basically told me it's my decision, but they think it's a bad idea.

It hurt at first. I expected them to jump up and down and kiss my feet at the prospect of getting another grandchild. I want them to cheer for us and not only support us, but send their encouragement and complete and udder excitement. But, they are scared of another failure and they don't want to see me hurt.

The more I thought about it, the more the conversations with each parent, I made them separately, was all too familiar. I remember, growing up and in my young adulthood, bursting at the seams to tell my parents my next bit of big news only to be let down by their reaction. Moving to Chicago, getting into Design School, wanting to buy a house with my now husband, etc, etc. Each time, before I told them, I created this elaborate scene in my head about what their reaction would be like.  In my vision my parents would practically throw a party and walk around the next week with pom poms, shouting "Rah Rah You're the Best!" That, of course, never happened. Their reaction was always lukewarm, at the very best. Most of the time it ended in tears.

Each time, I was hurt for a moment. Then, I'd get on my horse and shout, "I'll show them!" And I did. Every single time. Of course, they have always come around eventually and admit that I was right...mostly;)

Now, back to my point. The thing that I've realized, no remembered, about myself the past few days is this. I am tenacious. I don't accept my fate unless it's exactly what I want. I make things happen for myself. My parents call this stubborn, I call it tenacious. I am not the smartest, most talented person. But, I have so much. And it's all by design. I have made my life what it is. I have never been one to just let things happen to myself. I've ALWAYS had to take what I've wanted.

The last two years I have been so shrouded in sadness that I forgot my best quality. Well, not anymore. Sure, we have lazy sperm and sub par eggs. But if this impending little one is anything like their mother, and I'm sure they are, they'll find a way to us if we keep trying for them.


“Most of the things worth doing in the world had been declared impossible before they were done.”
― Louis Dembitz Brandeis