I hate when I look to a blog for personal success stories (or, unfortunately, unsuccessful ones) and it stops before I could feel like I got some answers. I am here to tell you that after 4.5 years of suffering through secondary infertility we still have not been successful.
This is difficult, of course. We have found a lot of solace in the Church. God has settled my anger, resentment, and sadness for the most part. I am not sure how much longer we'll continue to try. But, it is looking more and more like we are secondary infertility survivors rather than success stories.
I'm writing this because I know that this blog still receives some traffic and I wanted to reach out to anyone reading this. If you're in the same situation and you would like to talk about life after infertility please contact me.
Life never turns out the way we expect but it can be better. I am on this journey now. I may update if anything changes in the future. But signing off for now. Lates.
Tuesday, January 20, 2015
Wednesday, April 24, 2013
Some Sad News
As of my last post we were headed toward our IVF fundraising goal (very slowly I might add). So, imagine how excited I was to get a positive pregnancy test about a month ago. It was a day I will remember forever. Made even more satisfying because we had found out the day before that Jim had a vericocele (read about it here). The urologist we visited said surgery to correct it could improve his counts by 65-70%. So, we scheduled the surgery for Monday (our consultation was Thursday).
So when I woke up the next morning, a day late, I took a test and for the second time in my life it was positive. We celebrated, told our families in a creative way, and for the first time since TTC our life was absolutely perfect. I will treasure that time forever.
Our perfect life came crashing down a few days ago when I went in for an ultrasound at 8 weeks 3 days along. That's when I found the baby had stopped growing and no longer had a heartbeat.
A couple of days have passed and I am doing better than I expected. I've cried some, eaten a lot of junk food, and hugged my family more than I ever have. I always thought that if this happened to me that I would literally die. That I would not be able to pick myself up from the floor out of despair. It turns out that I am stronger than I thought.
Instead of dying or completely feeling ruined, I actually am already starting to feeling ok. This may be because I am a Mom and know that I can't let myself go there. Maybe I am protecting my daughter from such things. Or maybe it's not as bad as I imagined. Either way, we're doing ok.
I have not yet "passed" the baby. This is a bit disheartening. But, the RE who was treating me is going on vacation and can't get me in for a D&C (read about it here). I initially wanted to wait for my body to take care of things, but now that a couple of days have passed, and after doing some reading, I think I want to opt for the D&C, if I can.
I have an appointment in a few days with my OB to discuss my options. My hope is that she can take care of things before my slightly negligent RE can get back from his third vacation since I found out I was pregnant. I'll update more then. But today, I have errands to run, places to take my daughter, and some pie to eat.
So when I woke up the next morning, a day late, I took a test and for the second time in my life it was positive. We celebrated, told our families in a creative way, and for the first time since TTC our life was absolutely perfect. I will treasure that time forever.
Our perfect life came crashing down a few days ago when I went in for an ultrasound at 8 weeks 3 days along. That's when I found the baby had stopped growing and no longer had a heartbeat.
A couple of days have passed and I am doing better than I expected. I've cried some, eaten a lot of junk food, and hugged my family more than I ever have. I always thought that if this happened to me that I would literally die. That I would not be able to pick myself up from the floor out of despair. It turns out that I am stronger than I thought.
Instead of dying or completely feeling ruined, I actually am already starting to feeling ok. This may be because I am a Mom and know that I can't let myself go there. Maybe I am protecting my daughter from such things. Or maybe it's not as bad as I imagined. Either way, we're doing ok.
I have not yet "passed" the baby. This is a bit disheartening. But, the RE who was treating me is going on vacation and can't get me in for a D&C (read about it here). I initially wanted to wait for my body to take care of things, but now that a couple of days have passed, and after doing some reading, I think I want to opt for the D&C, if I can.
I have an appointment in a few days with my OB to discuss my options. My hope is that she can take care of things before my slightly negligent RE can get back from his third vacation since I found out I was pregnant. I'll update more then. But today, I have errands to run, places to take my daughter, and some pie to eat.
Monday, February 11, 2013
Raising Money
I am starting to raise money for this upcoming cycle. When I say starting, I mean listing about 10 things on Craigslist for sale. I have big plans to set up my own eBay store and start selling treasures that I've found at thrift stores and flea markets.
I sold my first item today, so I am up to $30! Woohoo! Hopefully, this first sale gets the ball rolling and I can get up to my needed $4,000.
I will be adding a ticker to this site that adds up the amount of money I have raised. I am thrilled at the prospect of selling what I find. I seem to have a knack for finding designer clothes at thrift stores. So, if you're interested in following my journey to becoming an expert seller I have started a blog about that, as well. It's also about my money saving tips, home renovations, and items that I create.The link is:
http://luluattic.blogspot.com/
This is a completely new journey for me. I feel so relieved and at peace with our decision to continue with treatment. This time it will be completely up to us to make it happen. It's going to be a difficult journey, which will make the end result all that much sweeter.
Stay tuned!
I sold my first item today, so I am up to $30! Woohoo! Hopefully, this first sale gets the ball rolling and I can get up to my needed $4,000.
I will be adding a ticker to this site that adds up the amount of money I have raised. I am thrilled at the prospect of selling what I find. I seem to have a knack for finding designer clothes at thrift stores. So, if you're interested in following my journey to becoming an expert seller I have started a blog about that, as well. It's also about my money saving tips, home renovations, and items that I create.The link is:
http://luluattic.blogspot.com/
This is a completely new journey for me. I feel so relieved and at peace with our decision to continue with treatment. This time it will be completely up to us to make it happen. It's going to be a difficult journey, which will make the end result all that much sweeter.
Stay tuned!
Friday, February 8, 2013
Impossible to Possible
I have been pondering the reason for my change of heart the past few days. Before a month ago, I was dead set on the fact that we were done and I had to accept that we were not going to be having any more children. That mindset has changed so quickly and dramatically and I wasn't sure why.
Then, I told my parents that we were going to do another IVF. Their reaction was less than enthusiastic. They acted as if I was telling them my plans for a full body tattoo. They basically told me it's my decision, but they think it's a bad idea.
It hurt at first. I expected them to jump up and down and kiss my feet at the prospect of getting another grandchild. I want them to cheer for us and not only support us, but send their encouragement and complete and udder excitement. But, they are scared of another failure and they don't want to see me hurt.
The more I thought about it, the more the conversations with each parent, I made them separately, was all too familiar. I remember, growing up and in my young adulthood, bursting at the seams to tell my parents my next bit of big news only to be let down by their reaction. Moving to Chicago, getting into Design School, wanting to buy a house with my now husband, etc, etc. Each time, before I told them, I created this elaborate scene in my head about what their reaction would be like. In my vision my parents would practically throw a party and walk around the next week with pom poms, shouting "Rah Rah You're the Best!" That, of course, never happened. Their reaction was always lukewarm, at the very best. Most of the time it ended in tears.
Each time, I was hurt for a moment. Then, I'd get on my horse and shout, "I'll show them!" And I did. Every single time. Of course, they have always come around eventually and admit that I was right...mostly;)
Now, back to my point. The thing that I've realized, no remembered, about myself the past few days is this. I am tenacious. I don't accept my fate unless it's exactly what I want. I make things happen for myself. My parents call this stubborn, I call it tenacious. I am not the smartest, most talented person. But, I have so much. And it's all by design. I have made my life what it is. I have never been one to just let things happen to myself. I've ALWAYS had to take what I've wanted.
The last two years I have been so shrouded in sadness that I forgot my best quality. Well, not anymore. Sure, we have lazy sperm and sub par eggs. But if this impending little one is anything like their mother, and I'm sure they are, they'll find a way to us if we keep trying for them.
“Most of the things worth doing in the world had been declared impossible before they were done.”
― Louis Dembitz Brandeis
Then, I told my parents that we were going to do another IVF. Their reaction was less than enthusiastic. They acted as if I was telling them my plans for a full body tattoo. They basically told me it's my decision, but they think it's a bad idea.
It hurt at first. I expected them to jump up and down and kiss my feet at the prospect of getting another grandchild. I want them to cheer for us and not only support us, but send their encouragement and complete and udder excitement. But, they are scared of another failure and they don't want to see me hurt.
The more I thought about it, the more the conversations with each parent, I made them separately, was all too familiar. I remember, growing up and in my young adulthood, bursting at the seams to tell my parents my next bit of big news only to be let down by their reaction. Moving to Chicago, getting into Design School, wanting to buy a house with my now husband, etc, etc. Each time, before I told them, I created this elaborate scene in my head about what their reaction would be like. In my vision my parents would practically throw a party and walk around the next week with pom poms, shouting "Rah Rah You're the Best!" That, of course, never happened. Their reaction was always lukewarm, at the very best. Most of the time it ended in tears.
Each time, I was hurt for a moment. Then, I'd get on my horse and shout, "I'll show them!" And I did. Every single time. Of course, they have always come around eventually and admit that I was right...mostly;)
Now, back to my point. The thing that I've realized, no remembered, about myself the past few days is this. I am tenacious. I don't accept my fate unless it's exactly what I want. I make things happen for myself. My parents call this stubborn, I call it tenacious. I am not the smartest, most talented person. But, I have so much. And it's all by design. I have made my life what it is. I have never been one to just let things happen to myself. I've ALWAYS had to take what I've wanted.
The last two years I have been so shrouded in sadness that I forgot my best quality. Well, not anymore. Sure, we have lazy sperm and sub par eggs. But if this impending little one is anything like their mother, and I'm sure they are, they'll find a way to us if we keep trying for them.
“Most of the things worth doing in the world had been declared impossible before they were done.”
― Louis Dembitz Brandeis
Monday, January 28, 2013
Maybe?
Ok. So I know I said we were done. But, 20 pounds lost, 5 months of Prozac, and an increasingly awesome daughter has given me the desire to keep going. It's been 7 months since our failed IVF cycle. The plan was to move on and accept that I won't have another child. That more intervention was not only too stressful to mention, but too expensive, as well.
I have come to realize that no matter what, this is in my control. I can try as many times as I want. It's just money and no one can put a price on everything that having another child brings. I WILL have another baby.
We have been discussing our options. We are looking into several avenues. All of them include IVF with ICSI. And all of them will include us paying out of pocket for everything. I have one 900iu vial of Follistim left that will save us about $1,000. The options are as follows:
#1 Go back to our original clinic and beg for a discount. The timing of the cycle/s totally depends on the discount they give us. This is really what I'd prefer, as I love my RE and the nurses are the best.
#2 An IVF vacation. Other countries can offer IVF at a deeply discounted price. Most of them have the same, or better success rates as clinics in the U.S. Plus, most of them offer discount programs for subsequent cycles if your first doesn't succeed.
Another thing we are considering is funding. My parents have offered a generous donation to assist, but we will be responsible for most of it. We can either do the IVF in the near future and take out a medical loan or we can wait until the end of the year and work our asses off to save some money, in the meantime.
The problem with waiting is that time is ticking on my end. I'm only 29, but all of my numbers have been fading fast. So, just a few months could change a lot.
I have started calling around today and have some good leads. I have yet to talk to my original clinic and would like to speak with them before I proceed with anything.
I will update when I speak with them!
I have come to realize that no matter what, this is in my control. I can try as many times as I want. It's just money and no one can put a price on everything that having another child brings. I WILL have another baby.
We have been discussing our options. We are looking into several avenues. All of them include IVF with ICSI. And all of them will include us paying out of pocket for everything. I have one 900iu vial of Follistim left that will save us about $1,000. The options are as follows:
#1 Go back to our original clinic and beg for a discount. The timing of the cycle/s totally depends on the discount they give us. This is really what I'd prefer, as I love my RE and the nurses are the best.
#2 An IVF vacation. Other countries can offer IVF at a deeply discounted price. Most of them have the same, or better success rates as clinics in the U.S. Plus, most of them offer discount programs for subsequent cycles if your first doesn't succeed.
Another thing we are considering is funding. My parents have offered a generous donation to assist, but we will be responsible for most of it. We can either do the IVF in the near future and take out a medical loan or we can wait until the end of the year and work our asses off to save some money, in the meantime.
The problem with waiting is that time is ticking on my end. I'm only 29, but all of my numbers have been fading fast. So, just a few months could change a lot.
I have started calling around today and have some good leads. I have yet to talk to my original clinic and would like to speak with them before I proceed with anything.
I will update when I speak with them!
Tuesday, June 12, 2012
I Have Abandoned You!
Oh, blog, how I have abandoned you. I feel guilty because I have not wrapped up my IVF cycle here. I am going to give you the short version. Basically after the retrieval it went like this:
I don't think I'll keep this blog up. There's really no Infertility News to report anymore. We are giving up and moving on. Of course, we will never avoid, but I will no longer be charting, peeing on things, or living by Fertility Friend's calendar. Thank you all for reading And if anyone comes across this that has any questions, please feel free to ask. Good bye!
- Day after retrieval we found out that nothing fertilized.
- They performed a procedure called "Emergency ICSI or Rescue ICSI" that you can read about here. It is the same procedure explained, just a day later.
- Doctor told us not to get our hopes up that we would even make it to transfer...devastated
- Found out a day later that we had 3 embryos...phew
- 2 days later we transferred 2 embryos, one of which was a really good one
- Found out 2 weeks later that nothing took
- Done
I don't think I'll keep this blog up. There's really no Infertility News to report anymore. We are giving up and moving on. Of course, we will never avoid, but I will no longer be charting, peeing on things, or living by Fertility Friend's calendar. Thank you all for reading And if anyone comes across this that has any questions, please feel free to ask. Good bye!
Thursday, May 10, 2012
CD12 - Harvest Time!
Today was an interesting day. My egg retrieval was originally scheduled for 9am. But, Jim and I forgot to administer the trigger shot and ended up doing it four hours late. So, my egg retrieval time got pushed back to 1:00pm.
The bad thing was that I was not allowed to eat AT ALL until an hour after my ER time. After I woke up from the procedure they shoved goldfish in my face and the whole package was gone in a matter of seconds. I was like a rabid raccoon. Shameless.
But let me back up a bit. When we arrived at the clinic I was instructed to give a urine sample. I hadn't had anything to drink since 6am and it was only a small glass of water. Needless to say the sample was small and looked a bit like maple syrup. Not good.
We were then shown our way back to the "man's room" and I was instructed to disrobe from my waist down and put on a glorious gown, booties, and hair net. I was not thrilled that I sent my husband to do his work looking so sexy. I really didn't want him to have too easy of a time. I signed some papers and left Jim to peruse the clinic's erotic DVD selection. He told me later he was not impressed.
I was lead to the way back of the clinic by the anesthesiologist, Doris, to the retrieval room. It was insanely bright. There were at least 10 more florescent lights than needed. In the center of the room was a chair donned with fancy stirrups and surrounded with all sorts of equipment. I was told to take a seat and answered some more questions. Next, my doctor and his nurse entered. Everyone had surgery scrubs, masks, booties, gloves, etc. Sitting there with my legs in the air I found myself feeling like I was in the middle of a Stanley Kubrick movie and something very bazaar was about to take place. It was so surreal.
The doctor turned on Neil Diamond and the very gentle Doris got to work. She placed the IV with no effort and told me she was going to administer the medicine. There was some talk about the Doctor breaking out into song and I told them that was funny and then BAM! I was out.
Next thing I knew, I was in a recliner in the recovery room. Someone could have removed my kidneys, a toe, and probably my soul and I would have had no idea. I was slowly coming out of it and the nurse was checking on me every so often. I kept asking how many eggs they got and where Jim was. The answer was always, "Seven," and,"He's not out yet."
I was very happy about the seven but a little nervous about my husband. After I tore into my goldfish like a honey badger and drank my apple juice he finally came in. I could tell he was irritated. He told me that he was instructed to ring this door bell when he was finished and no one ever came. He told me he waited for almost an HOUR! What?! How long had I been out?! It felt like 15 minutes. Turns out, I was in recovery for over 45 minutes. I highly recommend whatever it was they gave me. Good times.
After I was awake enough to stand and put my pants back on we left. I was told some spotting and light cramping were normal and to not eat anything fried or greasy until tomorrow.
So Jim and I headed straight for Mr. Submarine and I got an amazing cold-cut sub with some fries. We then swung by Burrito Loco for some rice water. High-fives for not following instructions? Anybody?
I have to say that I am so surprised at how good I feel. I am having almost no cramping and no nausea. I'm still a bit tired and feel like being lazy. But, it's nice having an excuse for my husband to wait on me, for a change.
We will get the fertilization report tomorrow morning. I hope that at least 3 of the seven get fertilized and at least 2 of them make it to the transfer on Sunday. Anything more than that will be gravy. I am thrilled at how it's gone so far. I will update more tomorrow. Thanks for reading!
The bad thing was that I was not allowed to eat AT ALL until an hour after my ER time. After I woke up from the procedure they shoved goldfish in my face and the whole package was gone in a matter of seconds. I was like a rabid raccoon. Shameless.
But let me back up a bit. When we arrived at the clinic I was instructed to give a urine sample. I hadn't had anything to drink since 6am and it was only a small glass of water. Needless to say the sample was small and looked a bit like maple syrup. Not good.
We were then shown our way back to the "man's room" and I was instructed to disrobe from my waist down and put on a glorious gown, booties, and hair net. I was not thrilled that I sent my husband to do his work looking so sexy. I really didn't want him to have too easy of a time. I signed some papers and left Jim to peruse the clinic's erotic DVD selection. He told me later he was not impressed.
I was lead to the way back of the clinic by the anesthesiologist, Doris, to the retrieval room. It was insanely bright. There were at least 10 more florescent lights than needed. In the center of the room was a chair donned with fancy stirrups and surrounded with all sorts of equipment. I was told to take a seat and answered some more questions. Next, my doctor and his nurse entered. Everyone had surgery scrubs, masks, booties, gloves, etc. Sitting there with my legs in the air I found myself feeling like I was in the middle of a Stanley Kubrick movie and something very bazaar was about to take place. It was so surreal.
The doctor turned on Neil Diamond and the very gentle Doris got to work. She placed the IV with no effort and told me she was going to administer the medicine. There was some talk about the Doctor breaking out into song and I told them that was funny and then BAM! I was out.
Next thing I knew, I was in a recliner in the recovery room. Someone could have removed my kidneys, a toe, and probably my soul and I would have had no idea. I was slowly coming out of it and the nurse was checking on me every so often. I kept asking how many eggs they got and where Jim was. The answer was always, "Seven," and,"He's not out yet."
I was very happy about the seven but a little nervous about my husband. After I tore into my goldfish like a honey badger and drank my apple juice he finally came in. I could tell he was irritated. He told me that he was instructed to ring this door bell when he was finished and no one ever came. He told me he waited for almost an HOUR! What?! How long had I been out?! It felt like 15 minutes. Turns out, I was in recovery for over 45 minutes. I highly recommend whatever it was they gave me. Good times.
After I was awake enough to stand and put my pants back on we left. I was told some spotting and light cramping were normal and to not eat anything fried or greasy until tomorrow.
So Jim and I headed straight for Mr. Submarine and I got an amazing cold-cut sub with some fries. We then swung by Burrito Loco for some rice water. High-fives for not following instructions? Anybody?
I have to say that I am so surprised at how good I feel. I am having almost no cramping and no nausea. I'm still a bit tired and feel like being lazy. But, it's nice having an excuse for my husband to wait on me, for a change.
We will get the fertilization report tomorrow morning. I hope that at least 3 of the seven get fertilized and at least 2 of them make it to the transfer on Sunday. Anything more than that will be gravy. I am thrilled at how it's gone so far. I will update more tomorrow. Thanks for reading!
Tuesday, May 8, 2012
CD10 - Big News and a Miracle
I got back from my RE appt and have to say that I have the most wonderful RE EVER!
After doing the internal U/S I was speaking with my Dr about all of the follies that showed up. Today there were 8 between 11-20mm. At least 6 of them were above 15 and a few were around 20. He said a lot of, "Hmmmm." He told me that I responded like an IVFer would have and he would be very happy with my numbers if I were an IVF patient about to trigger. He asked me what was keeping me from doing IVF and I promptly told him it was the money. I told him about our insurance cap and how we only have enough for this IUI cycle and possibly one more, but IVF would cause us to pay at least 5k out of pocket and we just didn't have that.
Then, the most amazing thing happened. He offered to eat the costs above what our insurance will pay! He said that IVF will give us at least a 40% chance and we shouldn't waste all of these follies and he would be willing to work with us! I was in tears and just so amazed that he would do that for us.
The most amazing thing? I am all synced up with their IVF cycle! No BCPs or Lupron to get on their schedule. They are scheduled for egg transfers for this Sunday, Mother's day, and I will make it! If I were even one day off, this wouldn't have worked.
I just can't believe this is happening. Plus, today is the 8th and I have 8 follies brewing! I just feel like everything we've been through has been leading to this.
If it doesn't work, at least we know that we did everything in our power to make it happen and we will have closure. If it works, we will be over the moon and have an amazing story to tell.
This journey has taught me a lot. First and foremost, the generosity of the people around us are boundless. None of this would have happened if I didn't get meds donated to me from a fellow bumpie. And now this. God truly does work through people. I feel so blessed today.
I will go in Thursday, CD12, for an egg retrieval. Then, if all goes well, I will be in on Sunday, Mother's Day, for an embryo transfer.
So, IVF is a completely different animal than IUI. I want to go into it, but not right now. Instead, I will direct anyone who doesn't know about IVF to this:
IVF Video
If any readers have any questions, please let me know. I know most of you know me personally, so feel free to email or call;) And, as always, thanks for reading! I'll update more on Thursday!
After doing the internal U/S I was speaking with my Dr about all of the follies that showed up. Today there were 8 between 11-20mm. At least 6 of them were above 15 and a few were around 20. He said a lot of, "Hmmmm." He told me that I responded like an IVFer would have and he would be very happy with my numbers if I were an IVF patient about to trigger. He asked me what was keeping me from doing IVF and I promptly told him it was the money. I told him about our insurance cap and how we only have enough for this IUI cycle and possibly one more, but IVF would cause us to pay at least 5k out of pocket and we just didn't have that.
Then, the most amazing thing happened. He offered to eat the costs above what our insurance will pay! He said that IVF will give us at least a 40% chance and we shouldn't waste all of these follies and he would be willing to work with us! I was in tears and just so amazed that he would do that for us.
The most amazing thing? I am all synced up with their IVF cycle! No BCPs or Lupron to get on their schedule. They are scheduled for egg transfers for this Sunday, Mother's day, and I will make it! If I were even one day off, this wouldn't have worked.
I just can't believe this is happening. Plus, today is the 8th and I have 8 follies brewing! I just feel like everything we've been through has been leading to this.
If it doesn't work, at least we know that we did everything in our power to make it happen and we will have closure. If it works, we will be over the moon and have an amazing story to tell.
This journey has taught me a lot. First and foremost, the generosity of the people around us are boundless. None of this would have happened if I didn't get meds donated to me from a fellow bumpie. And now this. God truly does work through people. I feel so blessed today.
I will go in Thursday, CD12, for an egg retrieval. Then, if all goes well, I will be in on Sunday, Mother's Day, for an embryo transfer.
So, IVF is a completely different animal than IUI. I want to go into it, but not right now. Instead, I will direct anyone who doesn't know about IVF to this:
IVF Video
If any readers have any questions, please let me know. I know most of you know me personally, so feel free to email or call;) And, as always, thanks for reading! I'll update more on Thursday!
Monday, May 7, 2012
CD9 - Might Get Cancelled
Crap. I had a ton of things growing in there. There were a total of 6 that were in the running. We had 2@17, 2@16, 1@15 and 1@14. The doctor told me not to take my Follistim dose tonight and go back for another follie check tomorrow. If that 14 has shown any growth, he will cancel our cycle:(
I know there are a lot of ladies out there that would grill me for this, but I really don't think that HOM, high order multiples, would happen to us. With Jim's motility issues and my low numbers, I just don't think it could happen. Of course, anything is possible, and right now I'm battling with the notion that we might get pregnant with more than two babies.
Would it be better to cancel the cycle? Or should we go for it and pray for the best? Jim and I will discuss more tomorrow when we get the results. I'll update more then. For now, just call me little miss hen!
I know there are a lot of ladies out there that would grill me for this, but I really don't think that HOM, high order multiples, would happen to us. With Jim's motility issues and my low numbers, I just don't think it could happen. Of course, anything is possible, and right now I'm battling with the notion that we might get pregnant with more than two babies.
Would it be better to cancel the cycle? Or should we go for it and pray for the best? Jim and I will discuss more tomorrow when we get the results. I'll update more then. For now, just call me little miss hen!
CD6 - Follie Check #1
Had a follie check today. I had 3 on my left and 2 on my right. They were all between 10-12mm. I also had 3 at 8mm. He's not counting those yet, though. I go back on Monday for another check. He is shooting for 4 or 5 mature follies. He said if I have 7 or more, the cycle will be canceled.
Feeling pretty good about those numbers. I will be THRILLED if I get to trigger 4 follies. Grow, babies, grow!
*I forgot to update on Friday, this is what happened;)
Feeling pretty good about those numbers. I will be THRILLED if I get to trigger 4 follies. Grow, babies, grow!
*I forgot to update on Friday, this is what happened;)
Tuesday, May 1, 2012
CD3 - All Systems Go!
I had my baseline ultrasound yesterday. My ovaries are looking all clear and I got the go-ahead to start my next injection cycle! My doctor doubled my dose. I am now at 150iu/day of Follistim. I go in on Friday, CD6, for a follie check. I, again, am hoping for 4 follies. However, I would like these follies to mature at the same rate and relatively slow.
I will update more on Friday!
I will update more on Friday!
Sunday, April 29, 2012
CD1 - The Break Is Over
This break month has been quite a run. We did everything we weren't supposed to. Everything that we've been avoiding the past six months was thrown out the window. The only thing we stuck to was Jim's gluten free diet. This is something that I believe he will always have to stick to, unfortunately.
This break was SO needed. I feel a renewed energy. I was feeling so bogged down by treatment and sticking to a very narrow way of living. I was avoiding the following:
-refined sugar
-wheat
-caffeine
-bananas
-pears
-dairy
-alcohol
-cold foods
-raw foods
I'm sure there is more that I can't remember right now. But, this was all being done to follow a traditional Chinese medicine diet that is supposed to help balance me for pregnancy. Physically, I feel really good on the diet. But, as you can see, it doesn't leave much room. That can be exhausting.
This month, I enjoyed everything on this list. Some, all in one day. Our last night of our break month was filled with a lot of dancing, a lot of bad food, and a whole lot of booze. Yikes, we are feeling it today.
I am really excited, though! I feel like in 28 days we will have our answer and it feels pretty good. Of course, there's a bit of sadness. But, mostly excitement. Last night proved that our lives can be full of life, family, friends, and so much fun. I am so in love with my husband and we have the rest of our lives to laugh together. That means more than anything.
Of course, I will always be sad for Emmy. But, it just means that we'll have to put extra effort into spending time with her and making sure she has plenty of friends and family surrounding her. So excited for what's next! I will go in for a monitoring appointment tomorrow and will update more then.
This break was SO needed. I feel a renewed energy. I was feeling so bogged down by treatment and sticking to a very narrow way of living. I was avoiding the following:
-refined sugar
-wheat
-caffeine
-bananas
-pears
-dairy
-alcohol
-cold foods
-raw foods
I'm sure there is more that I can't remember right now. But, this was all being done to follow a traditional Chinese medicine diet that is supposed to help balance me for pregnancy. Physically, I feel really good on the diet. But, as you can see, it doesn't leave much room. That can be exhausting.
This month, I enjoyed everything on this list. Some, all in one day. Our last night of our break month was filled with a lot of dancing, a lot of bad food, and a whole lot of booze. Yikes, we are feeling it today.
I am really excited, though! I feel like in 28 days we will have our answer and it feels pretty good. Of course, there's a bit of sadness. But, mostly excitement. Last night proved that our lives can be full of life, family, friends, and so much fun. I am so in love with my husband and we have the rest of our lives to laugh together. That means more than anything.
Of course, I will always be sad for Emmy. But, it just means that we'll have to put extra effort into spending time with her and making sure she has plenty of friends and family surrounding her. So excited for what's next! I will go in for a monitoring appointment tomorrow and will update more then.
Wednesday, April 11, 2012
CD? - Reasessing the Future
I spoke in an earlier post about envisioning my future and mourning the loss of it. I am realizing that instead of mourning what I don't have, I need to reassess some goals. Of course, not being able to have a baby is a sad thing. However, it doesn't need to ruin my life and define who I am.
I recently picked up an issue of Country Living. I was looking for some ideas for this coming spring. What I found was an inspiration.
http://www.countryliving.com/homes/house-tours/farmhouse-decorating-ideas#slide-1
This is an old farmhouse on 50 acres of land. It has countless outhouses full of beds for guests, dining tables, chickens, and on and on. They speak of tons of guests coming and hanging out. It is a destination for all of their family and friends. I imagine us waking up with a compound full of guests. Making a breakfast buffet for them all and lazing around with the various animals traipsing about. Ahhhh, how relaxing does that sound?!
I am so excited about the future. Who knows what it really holds, but I know that our little family will be together and that's all that matters. Take a look at the article and read about their life. It seems pretty fullfilling to me.
I recently picked up an issue of Country Living. I was looking for some ideas for this coming spring. What I found was an inspiration.
http://www.countryliving.com/homes/house-tours/farmhouse-decorating-ideas#slide-1
This is an old farmhouse on 50 acres of land. It has countless outhouses full of beds for guests, dining tables, chickens, and on and on. They speak of tons of guests coming and hanging out. It is a destination for all of their family and friends. I imagine us waking up with a compound full of guests. Making a breakfast buffet for them all and lazing around with the various animals traipsing about. Ahhhh, how relaxing does that sound?!
I am so excited about the future. Who knows what it really holds, but I know that our little family will be together and that's all that matters. Take a look at the article and read about their life. It seems pretty fullfilling to me.
Saturday, March 31, 2012
CD4 - Cysty Galore and Healing
I went to my baseline ultrasound yesterday. I was praying I didn't have a cyst so I could start my next treatment cycle right away. Turns out, I didn't have one cyst, but three! Shit! Am I disappointed? Yes. But not for the reason that one might think.
I wanted to start my next cycle right away. Not because I am hankering to get knocked up. I've waited 18 months, one more isn't going to hurt. The real reason I was upset was that I am ready to move on with my life! As I said in my last post, I don't think my body likes treatment. And I'm ready to start healing and getting over infertility.
I used to envision the future as Jim, me, and a ton of kids. Then, it was Jim, me, Emmy and a baby. Now, I can't see the baby. I'm ready to be a family of three. My heart still aches a bit when I think of not being pregnant or nursing another baby. It still stings when I think of Emmy asking for a brother or sister when she's older. And I get a little knot in my throat thinking of Emmy as an adult without anyone when Jim and I are gone. But, I know that my heart will heal and while not ideal, Emmy will survive.
I'm still pissed. I have done everything right. There are plenty of people in the world that don't want children, don't care about the children they have, or live an unhealthy, selfish life. Why can't those people deal with this? My first question when I meet God will be, "Why?"
I'm hoping that eventually the anger and questioning goes away, as well. I hope that I don't get a longing and a twinge of resentment when anyone announces their pregnancy. This is getting better all the time.
Right now, I've decided to think about the positives and take it day by day. So far, it's going well. I am actually looking forward to all of the things we'll be able to do as a family in the future. More vacations, more activities, more freedom for Jim and I. Of course, nothing will take the place of another member of the family. But, it's a start.
For now, no bruised belly from the injections and lots of sex for Jim and I this month. I'll do one more round of injections and IUI next month. Don't know if I'll have a lot to update this month, but if I do, I'll be sure to write it up! Thanks for reading!
I wanted to start my next cycle right away. Not because I am hankering to get knocked up. I've waited 18 months, one more isn't going to hurt. The real reason I was upset was that I am ready to move on with my life! As I said in my last post, I don't think my body likes treatment. And I'm ready to start healing and getting over infertility.
I used to envision the future as Jim, me, and a ton of kids. Then, it was Jim, me, Emmy and a baby. Now, I can't see the baby. I'm ready to be a family of three. My heart still aches a bit when I think of not being pregnant or nursing another baby. It still stings when I think of Emmy asking for a brother or sister when she's older. And I get a little knot in my throat thinking of Emmy as an adult without anyone when Jim and I are gone. But, I know that my heart will heal and while not ideal, Emmy will survive.
I'm still pissed. I have done everything right. There are plenty of people in the world that don't want children, don't care about the children they have, or live an unhealthy, selfish life. Why can't those people deal with this? My first question when I meet God will be, "Why?"
I'm hoping that eventually the anger and questioning goes away, as well. I hope that I don't get a longing and a twinge of resentment when anyone announces their pregnancy. This is getting better all the time.
Right now, I've decided to think about the positives and take it day by day. So far, it's going well. I am actually looking forward to all of the things we'll be able to do as a family in the future. More vacations, more activities, more freedom for Jim and I. Of course, nothing will take the place of another member of the family. But, it's a start.
For now, no bruised belly from the injections and lots of sex for Jim and I this month. I'll do one more round of injections and IUI next month. Don't know if I'll have a lot to update this month, but if I do, I'll be sure to write it up! Thanks for reading!
Wednesday, March 28, 2012
CD1 - Well Shit
My lucky cycle 18 is in the books. Turns out, it wasn't so lucky. I should have known. I should have realized that it was just too perfect. But, I have always liked to live in a fantasy world. I have always idealized situations to the point where it is impossible for anything to live up to it. Of course, the way things always end up is much better than the idealized version, anyway.
It started with a negative pregnancy test in the morning. It was 12dpo and at that point, there is an 87% chance that the test is accurate. I was heartbroken. I called Jim at work and cried for a minute. Then, I put on my big girl panties and put on a happy face for the kids that I was babysitting today. We had a great day! We played, laughed, and got dirty outside. The weather could not have been more perfect. Then, I started my period. "What the f*ck?!" I thought. I have NEVER had a 12 day luteal phase. I was so confused. I AM so confused. I had a 23 day cycle. Something about that just doesn't seem right. I really just don't think my body likes treatment. I doubt if anything would work for me.
I have tried so hard to be so positive. At the beginning of every cycle I have convinced myself that that cycle was it. I have stayed so positive up until the end of the month when I got a negative pregnancy test. I am SO TIRED of being positive! It sucks! This shit just sucks.
This failed cycle has really hit me hard. I don't have that sinking feeling in my stomach. It's more like I am mourning a loss, like a death. For two reasons:
1. I have always envisioned having a lot of kids. I wanted a whole mess of kids. This vision for my life has always been a constant. The location, the husband, the occupation has always changed but the gaggle of children I had running around my feet were always there. This dream is dying. Although I have been incredibly lucky to become a mother at all, I really dreamed of having more.
2. I feel a deep, deep sadness for Emmy. My sister is my best friend. It is a relationship like no other on the planet. My sister has known me since the day I was born. She knows where I come from and loves me no matter how much shit I pull. There is nothing like a sibling. I mourn this more than the first reason. I don't want her to grow up lonely. I don't want her to be lonely as an adult. I want her to experience the same awesome relationship that I have. I feel like depriving her of this is one of the worst things I could do.
This cycle has brought both of these to the forefront. I have spent a lot of time today reflecting on the hard truth that no matter what I do, I probably will not succeed.
We will do one more IUI and then be moving on. I am ready to have my life back. I hate that this awful thing has taken over our lives. Our self worth has been dependent upon a monthly test that one pees on. Ugh. I'm so done.
After our last IUI is done, I will take a few months to enjoy the life that we have created. If I am still feeling that ache in my heart, I will most likely seek counseling to help me get over it. Of course, I don't know if it is possible to teach someone how to ignore millions of years of instincts, but fingers crossed.
Until then, I plan on being bitter. I have taken every one's advice for too long. "Just stay positive and it will happen." Bullshit. I am going to be cynical and angry because that is how I feel. At the very least, I deserve to express myself. So, fuck you, infertility.
I will update after my baseline appointment on Friday, CD3. Thanks for reading!
It started with a negative pregnancy test in the morning. It was 12dpo and at that point, there is an 87% chance that the test is accurate. I was heartbroken. I called Jim at work and cried for a minute. Then, I put on my big girl panties and put on a happy face for the kids that I was babysitting today. We had a great day! We played, laughed, and got dirty outside. The weather could not have been more perfect. Then, I started my period. "What the f*ck?!" I thought. I have NEVER had a 12 day luteal phase. I was so confused. I AM so confused. I had a 23 day cycle. Something about that just doesn't seem right. I really just don't think my body likes treatment. I doubt if anything would work for me.
I have tried so hard to be so positive. At the beginning of every cycle I have convinced myself that that cycle was it. I have stayed so positive up until the end of the month when I got a negative pregnancy test. I am SO TIRED of being positive! It sucks! This shit just sucks.
This failed cycle has really hit me hard. I don't have that sinking feeling in my stomach. It's more like I am mourning a loss, like a death. For two reasons:
1. I have always envisioned having a lot of kids. I wanted a whole mess of kids. This vision for my life has always been a constant. The location, the husband, the occupation has always changed but the gaggle of children I had running around my feet were always there. This dream is dying. Although I have been incredibly lucky to become a mother at all, I really dreamed of having more.
2. I feel a deep, deep sadness for Emmy. My sister is my best friend. It is a relationship like no other on the planet. My sister has known me since the day I was born. She knows where I come from and loves me no matter how much shit I pull. There is nothing like a sibling. I mourn this more than the first reason. I don't want her to grow up lonely. I don't want her to be lonely as an adult. I want her to experience the same awesome relationship that I have. I feel like depriving her of this is one of the worst things I could do.
This cycle has brought both of these to the forefront. I have spent a lot of time today reflecting on the hard truth that no matter what I do, I probably will not succeed.
We will do one more IUI and then be moving on. I am ready to have my life back. I hate that this awful thing has taken over our lives. Our self worth has been dependent upon a monthly test that one pees on. Ugh. I'm so done.
After our last IUI is done, I will take a few months to enjoy the life that we have created. If I am still feeling that ache in my heart, I will most likely seek counseling to help me get over it. Of course, I don't know if it is possible to teach someone how to ignore millions of years of instincts, but fingers crossed.
Until then, I plan on being bitter. I have taken every one's advice for too long. "Just stay positive and it will happen." Bullshit. I am going to be cynical and angry because that is how I feel. At the very least, I deserve to express myself. So, fuck you, infertility.
I will update after my baseline appointment on Friday, CD3. Thanks for reading!
Friday, March 16, 2012
CD12 - Improvements and Easy on the Vagina!
First of all, let's back up to our last IUI. I only produced 2 follies. Jim only produced 8 million swimmers(post wash). 0% that were fast forward moving and only 10% that were moving forward at all. That is less than a million that were making their way to my eggs. None prevailed.
Since then, we have gone gluten free, caffeine free, alcohol free and added Vitamin D to Jim's regimen. He was diagnosed as Vitamin D deficient and probably gluten intolerant, as well. He's felt SO much better.
On our way to the clinic today, we were pretty quiet. The thing that was on both of our minds? What will Jim's count be today? We were a bit worried and I was cracking terrible jokes, my nervous tick. We walked into the exam room and I practically opened up the folder myself...the nurse was walking too slow.
He had a total count of 5 million. But, the kicker, he had 67% of those that were fast forward moving! YES! That is over 3 million of his quickest guys that are heading toward the finish line. I am over the moon.
I am chalking the lower count up to the fact that we couldn't keep our hands off each other the other morning. It was a poor choice, to do it 27 hours before our IUI, but what can you do? We're married and we find each other irresistible. That is usually a good thing.
So, I was given my paper sheet and told to take off my pants and assume the position. As I mentioned earlier this week, my doctor is out of town. He's the one that usually performs all of the procedures. The lame duck nurse that I complained about, also this week, was the one that was going to do the IUI today. She stuck the speculum inside and fiddled for a few moments. Then stated, "I think I have to get a longer speculum." YIKES! She got said speculum and inserted it and fiddled some more. She then asked if my doctor had ever mentioned if my cervix leans to one side. What? Seriously? Can we get someone in here who knows what the f*ck they're doing? To quote my mother, "Hells bells!"
Then, she pops out from under the sheet and tells me she is going to get the IVF nurse because she's, "just not comfortable doing the procedure herself." She leaves the room and I am left with my feet in the stirrups and my husband at my head reading Forbes magazine. A minute or so later, the nurse returns with her more competent partner. We exchange pleasantries and she sits on the stool in front of my wide open legs. Then, nurse #1 joins her and they both stare at my nether region for a moment. Nurse #2 inserts the speculum and spreads it a little too wide for comfort. I know that this point that she means business.
A few seconds later, when she injected the samle, I felt a pain on the inside. This pain is indescribable. Not extremely painful, just odd. The only other time I have felt it is when I had my HSG 6 months ago. I am taking this as a good sign that the little guys got deep inside. I am so glad nurse turd retrieved nurse awesome. I've had a little spotting since then. But with all the fiddling, it's to be expected.
I am feeling very positive. This time, I can't find any reason why I shouldn't get pregnant. I had 4 follies, we had an improved count, and we love each other more than anything.
I go back on the 30th, CD26, for a blood pregnancy test. I will update in the next two weeks if there are any symptoms to report. Thanks for reading!
Since then, we have gone gluten free, caffeine free, alcohol free and added Vitamin D to Jim's regimen. He was diagnosed as Vitamin D deficient and probably gluten intolerant, as well. He's felt SO much better.
On our way to the clinic today, we were pretty quiet. The thing that was on both of our minds? What will Jim's count be today? We were a bit worried and I was cracking terrible jokes, my nervous tick. We walked into the exam room and I practically opened up the folder myself...the nurse was walking too slow.
He had a total count of 5 million. But, the kicker, he had 67% of those that were fast forward moving! YES! That is over 3 million of his quickest guys that are heading toward the finish line. I am over the moon.
I am chalking the lower count up to the fact that we couldn't keep our hands off each other the other morning. It was a poor choice, to do it 27 hours before our IUI, but what can you do? We're married and we find each other irresistible. That is usually a good thing.
So, I was given my paper sheet and told to take off my pants and assume the position. As I mentioned earlier this week, my doctor is out of town. He's the one that usually performs all of the procedures. The lame duck nurse that I complained about, also this week, was the one that was going to do the IUI today. She stuck the speculum inside and fiddled for a few moments. Then stated, "I think I have to get a longer speculum." YIKES! She got said speculum and inserted it and fiddled some more. She then asked if my doctor had ever mentioned if my cervix leans to one side. What? Seriously? Can we get someone in here who knows what the f*ck they're doing? To quote my mother, "Hells bells!"
Then, she pops out from under the sheet and tells me she is going to get the IVF nurse because she's, "just not comfortable doing the procedure herself." She leaves the room and I am left with my feet in the stirrups and my husband at my head reading Forbes magazine. A minute or so later, the nurse returns with her more competent partner. We exchange pleasantries and she sits on the stool in front of my wide open legs. Then, nurse #1 joins her and they both stare at my nether region for a moment. Nurse #2 inserts the speculum and spreads it a little too wide for comfort. I know that this point that she means business.
A few seconds later, when she injected the samle, I felt a pain on the inside. This pain is indescribable. Not extremely painful, just odd. The only other time I have felt it is when I had my HSG 6 months ago. I am taking this as a good sign that the little guys got deep inside. I am so glad nurse turd retrieved nurse awesome. I've had a little spotting since then. But with all the fiddling, it's to be expected.
I am feeling very positive. This time, I can't find any reason why I shouldn't get pregnant. I had 4 follies, we had an improved count, and we love each other more than anything.
I go back on the 30th, CD26, for a blood pregnancy test. I will update in the next two weeks if there are any symptoms to report. Thanks for reading!
Wednesday, March 14, 2012
CD10 - Lame Nurse
I had another follie check/date with the dildo cam. My doc was off getting some kind of award and his better than him fill-in was not there, either. My nurse was left to do the ultrasound and she SUUUUUCKED! She had to measure my head follie 4 times and then it took her 5 minutes to find my left ovary. She told me that all but one follie has stopped growing. Of course, now I can't really trust what she is saying. Geesh.
Bottom line: I have no idea what's really going on inside me. I feel very confident that we are still rocking this cycle. But, I am a control freak and like to know exactly what's going on. I trust my body and trust the fact that I am feeling full and crampy. That HAS to be a good sign that something fabulous is happening in my ovaries.
Soooooo, I am triggering tomorrow at 4am. Yes, you read that right, 4am. Jim is going to stab me in the ass with a needle at 4am before he heads to work. The good thing is that I will be too tired to realize what's going on.
I will have the actual IUI on Friday, CD12, at 10:30am. I am SO excited and hopeful. If Jim's counts are even a tiny bit better I will be confident that we will be bringing our baby home in 9 months.
I will update on Friday, CD12, IUI day. Thanks for reading!
Bottom line: I have no idea what's really going on inside me. I feel very confident that we are still rocking this cycle. But, I am a control freak and like to know exactly what's going on. I trust my body and trust the fact that I am feeling full and crampy. That HAS to be a good sign that something fabulous is happening in my ovaries.
Soooooo, I am triggering tomorrow at 4am. Yes, you read that right, 4am. Jim is going to stab me in the ass with a needle at 4am before he heads to work. The good thing is that I will be too tired to realize what's going on.
I will have the actual IUI on Friday, CD12, at 10:30am. I am SO excited and hopeful. If Jim's counts are even a tiny bit better I will be confident that we will be bringing our baby home in 9 months.
I will update on Friday, CD12, IUI day. Thanks for reading!
Monday, March 12, 2012
CD8 - Follie Check #1
YES! Four follies! I couldn't be happier. Everything looked amazing. I have 4 follies ranging in sizes from 11m-16mm. They say anything over 15 is considered mature. But, anything between 18-22 is best.
I was surprised to see that there were 3 on my right side and only 1 on my left. I know that lefty is a bit lazy, but I really didn't think righty would have so many.
I was told that they grow between 1-2mm a day. I go back on Wednesday for another check. If that biggest one is at 20mm I will trigger that night and have the IUI on Friday morning, CD 12. If it is bigger than 20, I will trigger in the office on Wed morning and have the IUI on Thursday afternoon, CD11.
I am up for either option, as long as at least 3 follies show up for the race. If I have 3 follies ranging in sizes between 16-20, I will be running and jumping in the streets...well, maybe just the parking lot. If I have 4, all hell will break loose.
I feel so much better this cycle. No anxiety, no second thoughts, no what ifs. I feel like this is the best we've been and things are falling into place.
Also, I had a substitute doctor today and she was kind enough to give me a complete tour of my reproductive system. She was very patient with me and explained EVERYTHING! I loved it. It was a lesson in biology and I was the specimen. I love doctors who don't assume that I know enough. I want to know and see EVERYTHING. She informed me that my lining has 3 layers (perfect) and is at an 8.5mm. They like to see it above an 8, so everything is great there, as well.
I walked, no skipped, out of my appointment more positive than I ever have been. To quote The Simpsons, "Everything's coming up Milhouse!"
More on Wednesday. Thanks for reading!
I was surprised to see that there were 3 on my right side and only 1 on my left. I know that lefty is a bit lazy, but I really didn't think righty would have so many.
I was told that they grow between 1-2mm a day. I go back on Wednesday for another check. If that biggest one is at 20mm I will trigger that night and have the IUI on Friday morning, CD 12. If it is bigger than 20, I will trigger in the office on Wed morning and have the IUI on Thursday afternoon, CD11.
I am up for either option, as long as at least 3 follies show up for the race. If I have 3 follies ranging in sizes between 16-20, I will be running and jumping in the streets...well, maybe just the parking lot. If I have 4, all hell will break loose.
I feel so much better this cycle. No anxiety, no second thoughts, no what ifs. I feel like this is the best we've been and things are falling into place.
Also, I had a substitute doctor today and she was kind enough to give me a complete tour of my reproductive system. She was very patient with me and explained EVERYTHING! I loved it. It was a lesson in biology and I was the specimen. I love doctors who don't assume that I know enough. I want to know and see EVERYTHING. She informed me that my lining has 3 layers (perfect) and is at an 8.5mm. They like to see it above an 8, so everything is great there, as well.
I walked, no skipped, out of my appointment more positive than I ever have been. To quote The Simpsons, "Everything's coming up Milhouse!"
More on Wednesday. Thanks for reading!
Wednesday, March 7, 2012
CD3 - It's Go Time
Well, AF came three days ago. She has been pretty kind to me this time and I haven't had too many cramps or bouts of crying. I have to admit, I thought that this break cycle was successful. My period was a day late and I thought we got lucky again.
I made my way to the RE at the crack of dawn for my date with the dildo cam. However unfortunate those dates are, I always look forward to them a bit. Today I found out that my cyst is gone and we are ready to start our 18th cycle, 2nd with Follistim/IUI.
I am a sucker for numbers. 8 has always been my lucky number. As I got older, I saw 8s all over the place. To continue the trend, we decided to get married on 8.8.08. We also found out we were pregnant with Emmy on April 8th, which was also our 8 month anniversary. This month, we are on our 18th cycle. It is also the 3rd month of the year. Our address is 318. Sounds nuts, and definitely is, but I am taking this as a sign. Also, March is the month that I got pregnant with Emmy. I feel like we are primed and ready to get pregnant. I'm feeling good and Jim has never been healthier.
I start Follistim tonight. I am so glad I did this already and don't have the anxiety that I had my first injection cycle. I go in on Monday for a follie check. I will update then. Yay!
I made my way to the RE at the crack of dawn for my date with the dildo cam. However unfortunate those dates are, I always look forward to them a bit. Today I found out that my cyst is gone and we are ready to start our 18th cycle, 2nd with Follistim/IUI.
I am a sucker for numbers. 8 has always been my lucky number. As I got older, I saw 8s all over the place. To continue the trend, we decided to get married on 8.8.08. We also found out we were pregnant with Emmy on April 8th, which was also our 8 month anniversary. This month, we are on our 18th cycle. It is also the 3rd month of the year. Our address is 318. Sounds nuts, and definitely is, but I am taking this as a sign. Also, March is the month that I got pregnant with Emmy. I feel like we are primed and ready to get pregnant. I'm feeling good and Jim has never been healthier.
I start Follistim tonight. I am so glad I did this already and don't have the anxiety that I had my first injection cycle. I go in on Monday for a follie check. I will update then. Yay!
Friday, March 2, 2012
CD27 - Almost time to start again!
I have been MIA this month on my break cycle. I have spent a lot of this month reflecting on our journey thus far. Next cycle will be #18. I feel like it's gone by so fast, but so slow at the same time. When thinking about it in terms of just us and our little family, it has gone so fast. Emmy is getting so big and it seems like last month we brought her home from the hospital.
But, when I think of it in terms of our entire circle of friends/family it really is a long time. This is mostly because everyone around us is getting pregnant and their babies are getting big and then they are getting pregnant again. We call that "getting lapped". It's not a fun thing to witness when you are going through infertility.
Recently, I went to a baby shower of a very close family member. Let's call her C. I love C with all my heart. We have been thick as thieves since we were kids and have a very special relationship. We started TTC 7 months before C's wedding. She asked me to be her matron of honor and I, of course, accepted. I was honored to be asked, but was a bit concerned that I would be pregnant during her wedding. How does that work? A pregnant belly in a bridesmaid dress?
Well, it got closer to her wedding and I still wasn't pregnant. I was in the middle of a Clomid cycle during her bachelorette party. I thought, "Being just barely pregnant at her wedding would be perfect." Well, as you can guess, that didn't happen, either. The only thing I had during her wedding was a fat ass from the 10 pounds I gained with the Clomid.
The wedding came and went with a few drinks and a lot of dancing. I was ovulating that night and to my dismay my whole family knew it. I thought that was it. We were going to have a blast at my girl's wedding and get pregnant that night and we would have a great story to tell said future child.
Well, it turns out, the person who got pregnant that weekend was C. Still a great story, but not for us. At that point I was almost sent over the edge. Not because I wish she weren't pregnant or even because I was jealous. But when you're going through this, when you see fertile people all around you, it reminds you how unfortunate your situation is.
After a few months I came out of my cave of dispair and realized, with the help of my wise sister, that we all have our struggles. I often ask why God has done this to us. I think that it isn't fair and I'm being punished. But, my life has been relatively stress free. I was raised in a loving home, in a great neighborhood, I got to go to college, I married my best friend, we have a wonderful home, and an incredible kid. If we didn't have infertility, we wouldn't have any problems. C has had her share of struggles through her whole life and maybe this is God's way of saying, "You've been through enough, here's your blessing to make up for it." Maybe, right now, we are just paying our dues for a huge blessing that God is going to plop on our laps in the future.
This past weekend, I attended C's baby shower with an empty uterus. She is due in 4 short weeks and I couldn't be happier for her. Except for the fact that she is still so skinny everywhere, but her belly. That is so not fair. I rubbed her belly all weekend hoping to get any and all pregnancy juju she had left and hoped to feel the baby move just once.
The celebrations did make me a bit sad, though. Mostly because I can't wait to be pregnant again. I loved that feeling of always having that little companion with you. Every time Emmy moved inside me, I became a little more alive. It really is such a miracle and I hope that God blesses me with the experience again.
Also, whenever I see a pregnant woman, I feel like I didn't cherish the time as much as I should have. When I was pregnant, I always thought for sure that I'd be pregnant again. I sometimes think I didn't appreciate it enough, complained too much, and was a bit too bitchy to my husband. I took the experience for granted. If I am lucky enough to get pregnant again, I will eat up every last second of it.
There are new babies coming into our circle all the time. We are surrounded by some of the most fertile people in the midwest. I pray every day that God grants us our turn. And if he doesn't, that he grants me the ability to get over it and move on. I hope this desire that I'm still feeling, after 17 months, is him telling me there is hope.
Next cycle should start in the next week and I can't wait to get started. Thanks for reading!
But, when I think of it in terms of our entire circle of friends/family it really is a long time. This is mostly because everyone around us is getting pregnant and their babies are getting big and then they are getting pregnant again. We call that "getting lapped". It's not a fun thing to witness when you are going through infertility.
Recently, I went to a baby shower of a very close family member. Let's call her C. I love C with all my heart. We have been thick as thieves since we were kids and have a very special relationship. We started TTC 7 months before C's wedding. She asked me to be her matron of honor and I, of course, accepted. I was honored to be asked, but was a bit concerned that I would be pregnant during her wedding. How does that work? A pregnant belly in a bridesmaid dress?
Well, it got closer to her wedding and I still wasn't pregnant. I was in the middle of a Clomid cycle during her bachelorette party. I thought, "Being just barely pregnant at her wedding would be perfect." Well, as you can guess, that didn't happen, either. The only thing I had during her wedding was a fat ass from the 10 pounds I gained with the Clomid.
The wedding came and went with a few drinks and a lot of dancing. I was ovulating that night and to my dismay my whole family knew it. I thought that was it. We were going to have a blast at my girl's wedding and get pregnant that night and we would have a great story to tell said future child.
Well, it turns out, the person who got pregnant that weekend was C. Still a great story, but not for us. At that point I was almost sent over the edge. Not because I wish she weren't pregnant or even because I was jealous. But when you're going through this, when you see fertile people all around you, it reminds you how unfortunate your situation is.
After a few months I came out of my cave of dispair and realized, with the help of my wise sister, that we all have our struggles. I often ask why God has done this to us. I think that it isn't fair and I'm being punished. But, my life has been relatively stress free. I was raised in a loving home, in a great neighborhood, I got to go to college, I married my best friend, we have a wonderful home, and an incredible kid. If we didn't have infertility, we wouldn't have any problems. C has had her share of struggles through her whole life and maybe this is God's way of saying, "You've been through enough, here's your blessing to make up for it." Maybe, right now, we are just paying our dues for a huge blessing that God is going to plop on our laps in the future.
This past weekend, I attended C's baby shower with an empty uterus. She is due in 4 short weeks and I couldn't be happier for her. Except for the fact that she is still so skinny everywhere, but her belly. That is so not fair. I rubbed her belly all weekend hoping to get any and all pregnancy juju she had left and hoped to feel the baby move just once.
The celebrations did make me a bit sad, though. Mostly because I can't wait to be pregnant again. I loved that feeling of always having that little companion with you. Every time Emmy moved inside me, I became a little more alive. It really is such a miracle and I hope that God blesses me with the experience again.
Also, whenever I see a pregnant woman, I feel like I didn't cherish the time as much as I should have. When I was pregnant, I always thought for sure that I'd be pregnant again. I sometimes think I didn't appreciate it enough, complained too much, and was a bit too bitchy to my husband. I took the experience for granted. If I am lucky enough to get pregnant again, I will eat up every last second of it.
There are new babies coming into our circle all the time. We are surrounded by some of the most fertile people in the midwest. I pray every day that God grants us our turn. And if he doesn't, that he grants me the ability to get over it and move on. I hope this desire that I'm still feeling, after 17 months, is him telling me there is hope.
Next cycle should start in the next week and I can't wait to get started. Thanks for reading!
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