I have been MIA this month on my break cycle. I have spent a lot of this month reflecting on our journey thus far. Next cycle will be #18. I feel like it's gone by so fast, but so slow at the same time. When thinking about it in terms of just us and our little family, it has gone so fast. Emmy is getting so big and it seems like last month we brought her home from the hospital.
But, when I think of it in terms of our entire circle of friends/family it really is a long time. This is mostly because everyone around us is getting pregnant and their babies are getting big and then they are getting pregnant again. We call that "getting lapped". It's not a fun thing to witness when you are going through infertility.
Recently, I went to a baby shower of a very close family member. Let's call her C. I love C with all my heart. We have been thick as thieves since we were kids and have a very special relationship. We started TTC 7 months before C's wedding. She asked me to be her matron of honor and I, of course, accepted. I was honored to be asked, but was a bit concerned that I would be pregnant during her wedding. How does that work? A pregnant belly in a bridesmaid dress?
Well, it got closer to her wedding and I still wasn't pregnant. I was in the middle of a Clomid cycle during her bachelorette party. I thought, "Being just barely pregnant at her wedding would be perfect." Well, as you can guess, that didn't happen, either. The only thing I had during her wedding was a fat ass from the 10 pounds I gained with the Clomid.
The wedding came and went with a few drinks and a lot of dancing. I was ovulating that night and to my dismay my whole family knew it. I thought that was it. We were going to have a blast at my girl's wedding and get pregnant that night and we would have a great story to tell said future child.
Well, it turns out, the person who got pregnant that weekend was C. Still a great story, but not for us. At that point I was almost sent over the edge. Not because I wish she weren't pregnant or even because I was jealous. But when you're going through this, when you see fertile people all around you, it reminds you how unfortunate your situation is.
After a few months I came out of my cave of dispair and realized, with the help of my wise sister, that we all have our struggles. I often ask why God has done this to us. I think that it isn't fair and I'm being punished. But, my life has been relatively stress free. I was raised in a loving home, in a great neighborhood, I got to go to college, I married my best friend, we have a wonderful home, and an incredible kid. If we didn't have infertility, we wouldn't have any problems. C has had her share of struggles through her whole life and maybe this is God's way of saying, "You've been through enough, here's your blessing to make up for it." Maybe, right now, we are just paying our dues for a huge blessing that God is going to plop on our laps in the future.
This past weekend, I attended C's baby shower with an empty uterus. She is due in 4 short weeks and I couldn't be happier for her. Except for the fact that she is still so skinny everywhere, but her belly. That is so not fair. I rubbed her belly all weekend hoping to get any and all pregnancy juju she had left and hoped to feel the baby move just once.
The celebrations did make me a bit sad, though. Mostly because I can't wait to be pregnant again. I loved that feeling of always having that little companion with you. Every time Emmy moved inside me, I became a little more alive. It really is such a miracle and I hope that God blesses me with the experience again.
Also, whenever I see a pregnant woman, I feel like I didn't cherish the time as much as I should have. When I was pregnant, I always thought for sure that I'd be pregnant again. I sometimes think I didn't appreciate it enough, complained too much, and was a bit too bitchy to my husband. I took the experience for granted. If I am lucky enough to get pregnant again, I will eat up every last second of it.
There are new babies coming into our circle all the time. We are surrounded by some of the most fertile people in the midwest. I pray every day that God grants us our turn. And if he doesn't, that he grants me the ability to get over it and move on. I hope this desire that I'm still feeling, after 17 months, is him telling me there is hope.
Next cycle should start in the next week and I can't wait to get started. Thanks for reading!
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