CD4 - Cysty Galore and Healing

     I went to my baseline ultrasound yesterday. I was praying I didn't have a cyst so I could start my next treatment cycle right away. Turns out, I didn't have one cyst, but three! Shit! Am I disappointed? Yes. But not for the reason that one might think.
     I wanted to start my next cycle right away. Not because I am hankering to get knocked up. I've waited 18 months, one more isn't going to hurt. The real reason I was upset was that I am ready to move on with my life! As I said in my last post, I don't think my body likes treatment. And I'm ready to start healing and getting over infertility.
     I used to envision the future as Jim, me, and a ton of kids. Then, it was Jim, me, Emmy and a baby. Now, I can't see the baby. I'm  ready to be a family of three. My heart still aches a bit when I think of not being pregnant or nursing another baby. It still stings when I think of Emmy asking for a brother or sister when she's older. And I get a little knot in my throat thinking of Emmy as an adult without anyone when Jim and I are gone. But, I know that my heart will heal and while not ideal, Emmy will survive.
     I'm still pissed. I have done everything right. There are plenty of people in the world that don't want children, don't care about the children they have, or live an unhealthy, selfish life. Why can't those people deal with this? My first question when I meet God will be, "Why?"
     I'm hoping that eventually the anger and questioning goes away, as well. I hope that I don't get a longing and a twinge of resentment when anyone announces their pregnancy. This is getting better all the time.
     Right now, I've decided to think about the positives and take it day by day. So far, it's going well. I am actually looking forward to all of the things we'll be able to do as a family in the future. More vacations, more activities, more freedom for Jim and I. Of course, nothing will take the place of another member of the family. But, it's a start.
     For now, no bruised belly from the injections and lots of sex for Jim and I this month. I'll do one more round of injections and IUI next month. Don't know if I'll have a lot to update this month, but if I do, I'll be sure to write it up! Thanks for reading!