CD1 - Well Shit

     My lucky cycle 18 is in the books. Turns out, it wasn't so lucky. I should have known. I should have realized that it was just too perfect. But, I have always liked to live in a fantasy world. I have always idealized situations to the point where it is impossible for anything to live up to it. Of course, the way things always end up is much better than the idealized version, anyway.
     It started with a negative pregnancy test in the morning. It was 12dpo and at that point, there is an 87% chance that the test is accurate. I was heartbroken. I called Jim at work and cried for a minute. Then, I put on my big girl panties and put on a happy face for the kids that I was babysitting today. We had a great day! We played, laughed, and got dirty outside. The weather could not have been more perfect. Then, I started my period. "What the f*ck?!" I thought. I have NEVER had a 12 day luteal phase. I was so confused. I AM so confused. I had a 23 day cycle. Something about that just doesn't seem right. I really just don't think my body likes treatment. I doubt if anything would work for me.
     I have tried so hard to be so positive. At the beginning of every cycle I have convinced myself that that cycle was it. I have stayed so positive up until the end of the month when I got a negative pregnancy test. I am SO TIRED of being positive! It sucks! This shit just sucks.
     This failed cycle has really hit me hard. I don't have that sinking feeling in my stomach. It's more like I am mourning a loss, like a death. For two reasons:
                       1. I have always envisioned having a lot of kids. I wanted a whole mess of kids. This vision for my life has always been a constant. The location, the husband, the occupation has always changed but the gaggle of children I had running around my feet were always there. This dream is dying. Although I have been incredibly lucky to become a mother at all, I really dreamed of having more.
                       2. I feel a deep, deep sadness for Emmy. My sister is my best friend. It is a relationship like no other on the planet. My sister has known me since the day I was born. She knows where I come from and loves me no matter how much shit I pull. There is nothing like a sibling. I mourn this more than the first reason. I don't want her to grow up lonely. I don't want her to be lonely as an adult. I want her to experience the same awesome relationship that I have. I feel like depriving her of this is one of the worst things I could do.
     This cycle has brought both of these to the forefront. I have spent a lot of time today reflecting on the hard truth that no matter what I do, I probably will not succeed.
     We will do one more IUI and then be moving on. I am ready to have my life back. I hate that this awful thing has taken over our lives. Our self worth has been dependent upon a monthly test that one pees on. Ugh. I'm so done.
     After our last IUI is done, I will take a few months to enjoy the life that we have created. If I am still feeling that ache in my heart, I will most likely seek counseling to help me get over it. Of course, I don't know if it is possible to teach someone how to ignore millions of years of instincts, but fingers crossed.
     Until then, I plan on being bitter. I have taken every one's advice for too long. "Just stay positive and it will happen." Bullshit. I am going to be cynical and angry because that is how I feel. At the very least, I deserve to express myself. So, fuck you, infertility.
     I will update after my baseline appointment on Friday, CD3. Thanks for reading!