I was sick as a dog on Friday, CD16. I even had to call Emmy's Grandma to have her come pick her up. I was wiped. I don't know where or how I picked it up, but I did. I HATE being sick. I think the worst thing about being sick when you are TTC is the, "Maybe it's morning sickness," questions. Let me tell you, NEVER ask a person going through infertility if they are pregnant or are having pregnancy symptoms. Most of the time they are NOT pregnant and you are rubbing it in.
Now, most of these comments don't bother me much any more. But, this comment back in July would have sent me into tears. I have since come to realize that most people don't know any better and really do have the best of intentions. Of course, I don't think it will ever stop being annoying.
It reminds me of another annoying interaction I recently had. My chiropractor, that I've been seeing since Emmy was a baby, quit. My acupuncturist also quit, but I still see her at her new practice. So, they hired another chiropractor who is also an acupuncturist. At our first visit he asked me about my history in chiro care and acupuncture. I mentioned that I see my acupuncturist for infertility and he asked about all that I've been through in that area. This is a pretty standard practice and I am used to having to tell various practitioners about our struggles.
Well, after my adjustment, he mentions to me that his wife is pregnant. "That's great," I said, "Congrats! It is such a blessing." He then gave me a very shy, cheeky look and said, "It was a total accident. We weren't planning it at all!" He said it like he wanted sympathy, but it also had a bragging tone, as well. I told him that the more people I meet, the more I realize that God intended it to be that easy and we're just a special case.
Like I said before, comments like this don't really effect me emotionally anymore. That doesn't make them any less annoying, though. How could someone be so thoughtless? That's like me saying, "I inherited a house from my deceased so and so. It was a total surprise," to a homeless beggar. Some things should just be kept to yourself.
Of course, I wish I didn't have to hear things like this. It reminds me that most people can have a baby whenever they decide and it really shouldn't be this hard. Having a child whenever we choose should be one of our basic humanly rights. When that is denied you, it can be the heaviest weight to carry. Not only do you deal with your own personal struggles of not getting what you desired and always dreamed, but you also have to deal with the rest of the world, which is mostly fertile. The world seems to move on around you while you're stuck in this limbo full of questions and despair.
Most of these feelings have been dealt with and I have come to the conclusion that life isn't always fair. But, thankfully, we have one beautiful little girl who I get to spend 95% of my time with. I believe that God, whoever he is, has chosen a select few of us to go through this for various reasons. Not knowing God personally, I don't think I will ever really know what those reasons might be. But, I will continue convincing myself that I am special and all of this has made me strong enough to do anything. And, it has made my marriage strong enough to handle the toughest of struggles. Not many would be strong enough to handle this. I carry this weight very proudly and personally. It has made me who I am and hopefully there is a map out there with my name on it with a very special destination.
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