Not Much To Update But I Will Anyway

I hate when I look to a blog for personal success stories (or, unfortunately, unsuccessful ones) and it stops before I could feel like I got some answers. I am here to tell you that after 4.5 years of suffering through secondary infertility we still have not been successful.

This is difficult, of course. We have found a lot of solace in the Church. God has settled my anger, resentment, and sadness for the most part. I am not sure how much longer we'll continue to try. But, it is looking more and more like we are secondary infertility survivors rather than success stories.

I'm writing this because I know that this blog still receives some traffic and I wanted to reach out to anyone reading this. If you're in the same situation and you would like to talk about life after infertility please contact me.

Life never turns out the way we expect but it can be better. I am on this journey now. I may update if anything changes in the future. But signing off for now. Lates.

Some Sad News

As of my last post we were headed toward our IVF fundraising goal (very slowly I might add). So, imagine how excited I was to get a positive pregnancy test about a month ago. It was a day I will remember forever. Made even more satisfying because we had found out the day before that Jim had a vericocele (read about it here). The urologist we visited said surgery to correct it could improve his counts by 65-70%. So, we scheduled the surgery for Monday (our consultation was Thursday).

So when I woke up the next morning, a day late, I took a test and for the second time in my life it was positive. We celebrated, told our families in a creative way, and for the first time since TTC our life was absolutely perfect. I will treasure that time forever.

Our perfect life came crashing down a few days ago when I went in for an ultrasound at 8 weeks 3 days along. That's when I found the baby had stopped growing and no longer had a heartbeat.

A couple of days have passed and I am doing better than I expected. I've cried some, eaten a lot of junk food, and hugged my family more than I ever have. I always thought that if this happened to me that I would literally die. That I would not be able to pick myself up from the floor out of despair. It turns out that I am stronger than I thought.

Instead of dying or completely feeling ruined, I actually am already starting to feeling ok. This may be because I am a Mom and know that I can't let myself go there. Maybe I am protecting my daughter from such things. Or maybe it's not as bad as I imagined. Either way, we're doing ok.

I have not yet "passed" the baby. This is a bit disheartening. But, the RE who was treating me is going on vacation and can't get me in for a D&C (read about it here). I initially wanted to wait for my body to take care of things, but now that a couple of days have passed, and after doing some reading, I think I want to opt for the D&C, if I can.

I have an appointment in a few days with my OB to discuss my options. My hope is that she can take care of things before my slightly negligent RE can get back from his third vacation since I found out I was pregnant. I'll update more then. But today, I have errands to run, places to take my daughter, and some pie to eat.

Raising Money

I am starting to raise money for this upcoming cycle. When I say starting, I mean listing about 10 things on Craigslist for sale. I have big plans to set up my own eBay store and start selling treasures that I've found at thrift stores and flea markets.

I sold my first item today, so I am up to $30! Woohoo! Hopefully, this first sale gets the ball rolling and I can get up to my needed $4,000.

I will be adding a ticker to this site that adds up the amount of money I have raised. I am thrilled at the prospect of selling what I find. I seem to have a knack for finding designer clothes at thrift stores. So, if you're interested in following my journey to becoming an expert seller I have started a blog about that, as well. It's also about my money saving tips, home renovations, and items that I create.The link is:

http://luluattic.blogspot.com/

This is a completely new journey for me. I feel so relieved and at peace with our decision to continue with treatment. This time it will be completely up to us to make it happen. It's going to be a difficult journey, which will make the end result all that much sweeter.

Stay tuned!

Impossible to Possible

I have been pondering the reason for my change of heart the past few days. Before a month ago, I was dead set on the fact that we were done and I had to accept that we were not going to be having any more children. That mindset has changed so quickly and dramatically and I wasn't sure why.

Then, I told my parents that we were going to do another IVF. Their reaction was less than enthusiastic. They acted as if  I was telling them my plans for a full body tattoo. They basically told me it's my decision, but they think it's a bad idea.

It hurt at first. I expected them to jump up and down and kiss my feet at the prospect of getting another grandchild. I want them to cheer for us and not only support us, but send their encouragement and complete and udder excitement. But, they are scared of another failure and they don't want to see me hurt.

The more I thought about it, the more the conversations with each parent, I made them separately, was all too familiar. I remember, growing up and in my young adulthood, bursting at the seams to tell my parents my next bit of big news only to be let down by their reaction. Moving to Chicago, getting into Design School, wanting to buy a house with my now husband, etc, etc. Each time, before I told them, I created this elaborate scene in my head about what their reaction would be like.  In my vision my parents would practically throw a party and walk around the next week with pom poms, shouting "Rah Rah You're the Best!" That, of course, never happened. Their reaction was always lukewarm, at the very best. Most of the time it ended in tears.

Each time, I was hurt for a moment. Then, I'd get on my horse and shout, "I'll show them!" And I did. Every single time. Of course, they have always come around eventually and admit that I was right...mostly;)

Now, back to my point. The thing that I've realized, no remembered, about myself the past few days is this. I am tenacious. I don't accept my fate unless it's exactly what I want. I make things happen for myself. My parents call this stubborn, I call it tenacious. I am not the smartest, most talented person. But, I have so much. And it's all by design. I have made my life what it is. I have never been one to just let things happen to myself. I've ALWAYS had to take what I've wanted.

The last two years I have been so shrouded in sadness that I forgot my best quality. Well, not anymore. Sure, we have lazy sperm and sub par eggs. But if this impending little one is anything like their mother, and I'm sure they are, they'll find a way to us if we keep trying for them.


“Most of the things worth doing in the world had been declared impossible before they were done.”
― Louis Dembitz Brandeis

Maybe?

Ok. So I know I said we were done. But, 20 pounds lost, 5 months of Prozac, and an increasingly awesome daughter has given me the desire to keep going. It's been 7 months since our failed IVF cycle. The plan was to move on and accept that I won't have another child. That more intervention was not only too stressful to mention, but too expensive, as well.

I have come to realize that no matter what, this is in my control. I can try as many times as I want. It's just money and no one can put a price on everything that having another child brings. I WILL have another baby.

We have been discussing our options. We are looking into several avenues. All of them include IVF with ICSI. And all of them will include us paying out of pocket for everything. I have one 900iu vial of Follistim left that will save us about $1,000. The options are as follows:

#1 Go back to our original clinic and beg for a discount. The timing of the cycle/s totally depends on the discount they give us. This is really what I'd prefer, as I love my RE and the nurses are the best.

#2 An IVF vacation. Other countries can offer IVF at a deeply discounted price. Most of them have the same, or better success rates as clinics in the U.S. Plus, most of them offer discount programs for subsequent cycles if your first doesn't succeed.

Another thing we are considering is funding. My parents have offered a generous donation to assist, but we will be responsible for most of it. We can either do the IVF in the near future and take out a medical loan or we can wait until the end of the year and work our asses off to save some money, in the meantime.

The problem with waiting is that time is ticking on my end. I'm only 29, but all of my numbers have been fading fast. So, just a few months could change a lot.

I have started calling around today and have some good leads. I have yet to talk to my original clinic and would like to speak with them before I proceed with anything.

I will update when I speak with them!

I Have Abandoned You!

     Oh, blog, how I have abandoned you. I feel guilty because I have not wrapped up my IVF cycle here. I am going to give you the short version. Basically after the retrieval it went like this:

• Day after retrieval we found out that nothing fertilized.
• They performed a procedure called "Emergency ICSI or Rescue ICSI" that you can read about here. It is the same procedure explained, just a day later.
• Doctor told us not to get our hopes up that we would even make it to transfer...devastated
• Found out a day later that we had 3 embryos...phew
• 2 days later we transferred 2 embryos, one of which was a really good one
• Found out 2 weeks later that nothing took
• Done

     Needless to say, it has been a roller coaster. We have spent the last few weeks trying to figure out how to move on. I spent the first few days ok and in a fog, the next few crying and picking fights with Jim, and now I'm starting to move on. I have wrapped myself up in housework and weight loss. Also, I have tried my best to avoid most social situations in which a baby may or may not be mentioned or seen. It seems to be helping the wounds scab over. I'm thinking if I keep this up for a couple more weeks, I can enter the real world again without worry that I might break down crying in the Walmart parking lot.
     I don't think I'll keep this blog up. There's really no Infertility News to report anymore. We are giving up and moving on. Of course, we will never avoid, but I will no longer be charting, peeing on things, or living by Fertility Friend's calendar. Thank you all for reading And if anyone comes across this that has any questions, please feel free to ask. Good bye!

CD12 - Harvest Time!

     Today was an interesting day. My egg retrieval was originally scheduled for 9am. But, Jim and I forgot to administer the trigger shot and ended up doing it four hours late. So, my egg retrieval time got pushed back to 1:00pm.
     The bad thing was that I was not allowed to eat AT ALL until an hour after my ER time. After I woke up from the procedure they shoved goldfish in my face and the whole package was gone in a matter of seconds. I was like a rabid raccoon. Shameless.
     But let me back up a bit. When we arrived at the clinic I was instructed to give a urine sample. I hadn't had anything to drink since 6am and it was only a small glass of water. Needless to say the sample was small and looked a bit like maple syrup. Not good.
     We were then shown our way back to the "man's room" and I was instructed to disrobe from my waist down and put on a glorious gown, booties, and hair net. I was not thrilled that I sent my husband to do his work looking so sexy. I really didn't want him to have too easy of a time. I signed some papers and left Jim to peruse the clinic's erotic DVD selection. He told me later he was not impressed.
     I was lead to the way back of the clinic by the anesthesiologist, Doris, to the retrieval room. It was insanely bright. There were at least 10 more florescent lights than needed. In the center of the room was a chair donned with fancy stirrups and surrounded with all sorts of equipment. I was told to take a seat and answered some more questions. Next, my doctor and his nurse entered. Everyone had surgery scrubs, masks, booties, gloves, etc. Sitting there with my legs in the air I found myself feeling like I was in the middle of a Stanley Kubrick movie and something very bazaar was about to take place. It was so surreal.
     The doctor turned on Neil Diamond and the very gentle Doris got to work. She placed the IV with no effort and told me she was going to administer the medicine. There was some talk about the Doctor breaking out into song and I told them that was funny and then BAM! I was out.
     Next thing I knew, I was in a recliner in the recovery room. Someone could have removed my kidneys, a toe, and probably my soul and I would have had no idea. I was slowly coming out of it and the nurse was checking on me every so often. I kept asking how many eggs they got and where Jim was. The answer was always, "Seven," and,"He's not out yet."
    I was very happy about the seven but a little nervous about my husband. After I tore into my goldfish like a honey badger and drank my apple juice he finally came in. I could tell he was irritated. He told me that he was instructed to ring this door bell when he was finished and no one ever came. He told me he waited for almost an HOUR! What?! How long had I been out?! It felt like 15 minutes. Turns out, I was in recovery for over 45 minutes. I highly recommend whatever it was they gave me. Good times.
     After I was awake enough to stand and put my pants back on we left. I was told some spotting and light cramping were normal and to not eat anything fried or greasy until tomorrow.
     So Jim and I headed straight for Mr. Submarine and I got an amazing cold-cut sub with some fries. We then swung by Burrito Loco for some rice water. High-fives for not following instructions? Anybody?
     I have to say that I am so surprised at how good I feel. I am having almost no cramping and no nausea. I'm still a bit tired and feel like being lazy. But, it's nice having an excuse for my husband to wait on me, for a change.
     We will get the fertilization report tomorrow morning. I hope that at least 3 of the seven get fertilized and at least 2 of them make it to the transfer on Sunday. Anything more than that will be gravy. I am thrilled at how it's gone so far. I will update more tomorrow. Thanks for reading!